Hypothalamic Grip

questions and answers

2010-08-16T16:23:00.000+09:00

so where can i find answers to the several questions that have been haunting me for several days now? i can't seem to extract my thoughts from where they are. i want to, but something bigger is blocking their way. could it be that subconsciously i don't really want them to come out in the open. i am happy with the way things are; why rock the boat?

then again, i can't seem to see my future clearly with all these questions blocking my view. aarrghhh!!!

do i or i don't?

2010-07-11T22:14:00.001+09:00

have you ever reached that point when love becomes a necessity? for example, i am exclusively seeing this person, i like him...but after several months of being together, i still can't get myself to tell him that i love him. and this is all because...well...i don't. i mean, i've been in love several times before and i am supposed to know how it feels to be in love. this time though, it's kind of different. while i used to express how i feel so easily, write about it all the time, and even dream of it day and night, i seem to lack all three this time.

is it time to panic? maybe. but i am restraining myself. maybe i've just gotten older and wiser. as if love did too.

i've been thinking a lot about this relationship lately. this is not my typical 'relationship.' i like being with him, we laugh a lot, we eat a lot...but i also feel like i need to be away from him from time to time. i don't know if this is healthy. all i know is that we treat each other better after taking sometime off from each other. a whole lot better, if i may say.

i don't know if this is something to build a sturdy relationship on, but i do hope i get to have my answer soon. time is running out on me. i have a self-imposed deadline.

ahhh...

soulmates

2010-05-17T15:27:00.002+09:00

do i believe in soulmates? honestly, i do not know. i used to laugh at my former boss for being so into any 'new age' stuff like crystals, alternative healing, regression analysis, and other stuff that go against my roman catholic upbringing.

but how can you explain one person's special connection with another human being? joju and mine, for example. since we were kids, joju and i have already shared this special bond. initially, i thought it's just because we lived almost next-door to each other. we fell in and out of love for a while, moved on with our respective lives...and found other loves. yet, there will always be this tie that binds us together. i know he finds this amazing too. every time i have a problem, he'll suddenly appear from out of the blue to check on me. every time i dream of him, my biggest fear is something bad has happened to him.

we connect to each other in ways that make us feel peaceful and happy. every time we are together, it's as if we never parted at all...and i am talking here of years without seeing each other.

i am no longer in love with joju and i am sure he is no longer in love with me. we're way past the insecurity and jealousy that go with being in a state of passion. yet, i feel we are closer than ever. of course, we're very careful about treading on this volatile ground as there are people we could hurt in the process. nevertheless, the connection is blatantly there for all to see. we don't -- can't, even if our life depended on it -- deny this.

perhaps, if the concept of soulmates is true, we are each other's. i only know that we will always be there for each other till the end of time. or as has been said between the two of us, "in the next lifetime."

trying harder

2010-05-15T10:26:00.006+09:00

i swear i have tried hard enough. i conditioned myself, created a semi-permanent environment, slaved myself to perfection...even reversed my priorities. but it just is not happening. WHY THE HECK AM I NOT YET IN LOVE?

i am on the verge of begging...begging the guy i am dating to try his best to make me fall in love with him. you know, i wish he would be sweeter than he already is, more thoughtful than he has ever been, and more brilliant than he's capable of being. then again, that would be unfair for him because the guy is just being himself. we met and became friends the way he is, so i don't think there's something wrong with him.

this brings me to the one suspicion that i have been trying to avoid the past few months: there is something wrong with me. sure, i like him...i am even fond of him. but so am i with his pet fish. i laugh at his jokes, but then i am truly shallow in this department. the way his mind works is like a maze, something that would have normally challenged me. i was, actually. initially. but now, everything has become pretty routinary i am getting bored. he is good-looking (and he knows this perfectly well) but when have i become attracted to good looks? it's just purely coincidental that all -- and i mean ALL -- of my former boyfriends were women/gay magnets, so a pretty face is not much of a plus-factor when it comes to my falling in love.

AND SO, what do i need to fall in love again? better yet, will i ever fall in love again? i want to. i need to. emotions are what feed my soul. i cannot write when everything is just on a plateau. i need to ride a roller-coaster of emotions to be able to write the way i used to. these past few weeks i even tried so hard to bank on the green-eyed monster to pump up my adrenalin but it still did not work. my brain probably recognizes the fact that i am not jealous enough , or well...that i am just making it up to fool myself. whatever. i've also tried picking up a fight, to no avail. heck, i am so frustrated. as in, F-R-U-S-T-R-A-T-E-D!!!

i know that joju (my first love and bestfriend-when-all-else-has-gone-away) once told me i should not expect the next love to be the same as the previous one. i accept this now, but i want the same intensity...the same mind-boggling, insomnia-inducing, hunger-encouraging kind of passion. i cannot accept something within the realm of the ordinary. having experienced the most wonderful joy and the most painful shit of love, i cannot be content with the halfway and just-about.

fast-forward to now. under normal circumstances, it's easy to fall in love where i am. a friend asked me last night. "are you stopping yourself from falling?" i wish i were. it would be easier to understand my predicament. "sis, when have i ever been careful when it comes to love? for me, it has always been a free fall and i enjoy it because it makes me feel alive," i retorted. then i heard silence on the other line; a sigh followed. "yes, i know. you've always been the kind to challenge fate and squeeze all the emotions within you dry even it means getting hurt in the end."

lately, my facebook friends have been telling me to use my heart instead of my head so i could finally be happy. (i wonder why the heck they think i am unhappy. lol.) i wanted to tell them that since birth i never used my head unless it involved the academe, but i find no reason to defend my choices in life.

so now, i'll just continue to enslave myself to this guy i am dating, hoping that one day soon i'll finally feel a stirring of familiar emotions that will catapult me to where i was when i was in love with joju, ariel and gary...and even when i was just beside SD.

enough said.

election day and erwin

2010-05-10T15:15:00.004+09:00

we've been asked to come earlier than the schedule of the canvassing of votes so i found myself staring at the blank screen of my computer trying to figure out how to use four hours of inactivity wisely. i wanted to sleep because for the last few days i have been sleep-deprived (this means less than 8 hours in dreamland) but i couldn't -- not when i am in office attire and not when there's no bed in sight.

this is one of those days when i wonder what the heck i am doing in japan. yet, what is there to complain about? i am luckier than most because i am quite far detached from the political chaos in manila. i have my own freedom here. i get to travel and i meet a lot of people. complaining about my posting in tokyo is tantamount to ingratitude. i don't want to be ungrateful. i have always found the time and effort to thank the universe for everything that has happened to me.

which brings me down to crossing paths with erwin, a friend i met in the course of my work. i've been exposing erwin to my friends...albeit only virtually. his deceptive good looks prod people to tell me to go easy on him. go easy? he's not my boyfriend, for god's sake....and even if he is, i wish people will believe that he's not a 'harmless' as he looks. in fact, erwin is as fierce as i am. he can be as hardheaded as a mule. nobody can make him do things he does not want to do. so asking me to go easy on him is actually futile. the person is a walking personification of stubborness.

and so my life in tokyo is not really uneventful. it's actually a balance of both the mundane and the exciting. it's just that during times like this, i really favor curling up under the warmth of a fluffy blanket while reading my favorite book.

confusion...

2009-10-09T10:30:00.004+09:00

...is nothing new to me. it is, however, depressing that it has chosen to visit me now that i am emotionally vulnerable.

where do i go from here?
why am i see-sawing from being happy to being sad to being lonely to being happy again?
why do i miss people i should not be missing?
why am i not missing the people i should be missing?
why? why? why?

jolaz, one humid afternoon

2009-09-23T09:15:00.007+09:00

jolaz is a colleague...and soon to be boss. he is single. one afternoon, on the way back to the office after attending a boring 4-hour meeting on jpepa that almost left me wilted, we engaged in one of the most intellectually-stimulating (not!) conversations in history.

me: (bored) you know, nolet and i often meet on weekends at sm. would you like to join us sometimes?

jolaz: (sounding even more bored) what do you do?

me: (looking at the traffic jam on edsa) this and that. mostly, we talk.

jolaz: (trying to sound curious) about what?

me: life in general. sometimes we dwell on why we're still single now.

jolaz: (laughs)

me: (trying to sound serious) look, we know we're not very ugly, we're also not very stupid, we have good careers, we are nice...why don't we have a boyfriend?

jolaz: (trying his darnest not to choke) maybe both of you are intimidating.

me: (smiling) us, intimidating? we're nice. does nolet intimidate you?

jolaz: (nervous laughter) no, no, no...well...maybe you should be more accomodating.

me: (insistent) we are.

jolaz: (sounding like he's about to give up) then be more encouraging. don't block attempts of a guy to befriend you.

me: (pouting) but what if we don't like him...in a romantic sort of way?

jolaz: still, be friendly.

me: we are...but it's just weird when some friends get romantic and we don't picture them in that sense.

jolaz: (sounding like he really, really gave up on us already) well, you'll meet your respective partners in time.

me: (shrugging) okay. maybe, we'll invite you one of these weekends to join us.

jolaz: (silent)

at this point, we already reached the office so jolaz was able to thankfully unhinge himself from me and my crazy questions.

nolet and some constellation

2009-09-23T08:26:00.009+09:00

funny thing happened this morning when i opened my yahoo mail box.

nolet sent me a copy of the IRRI program which sec. yap shall be following when he goes to japan next week. i was expecting her to send the document because i've been pestering her about it the whole weekend.

but the email did not end there.

nolet just had to write "i heard i will still see a heavenly body when i look into your eyes." funny. for months now, we have been talking about crushes and falling in love, as if we were teenagers. every time we get together (on weekends usually), we dissect every angle of our (non-existent) lovelife.

lately, i have been the topic of these uneventful trysts in sm north, and it's all because she knows somebody is making me smile. we call him "heavenly body." it's actually a pseudonym, to make everything cute and interesting. it started when nolet pointed out that i've been staring into empty space for several days now. i quipped "it's because i see a heavenly body out there." we then got into fits of laughter and giggles. since then, we would talk about this "heavenly body," and still wonder why we don't have boyfriends.

in the end, we decide that it's really not that nobody notices us because we know at least a couple of guys who would love to date us. the reason for our being unattached really is we haven't found somebody we like enough to encourage further romantic advances from.

enough said.

he

2009-09-22T18:17:00.003+09:00

he is funny...he makes me laugh.
he is nice...he consults with me.
he is patient...he understands.
he is cute...i like his eyes.
he is intelligent...i love listening to him.
he is disciplined...his body is toned.
he is wonderful...i miss him when we are not together.

he is...who he is.

for ariel...

2009-09-22T10:20:00.007+09:00

when you asked me "how's mama," my heart sank. it was easier to lie so i told you she was okay. but she's not okay, ariel. you know she's very old and she's sickly. and she needs you badly.

i cannot forget how her face lit up when she saw us alighting from the car. she seemed so genuinely happy we found time to visit her. why couldn't you?

i understand you have issues to settle with your older sister, but please swallow your pride and hold your mother's hand once more.

at one point your mom and i were left alone by the brood. she took me aside and whispered, "ariel has not visited lately because joy is here and they are not on speaking terms." i almost cried, but i didn't. i had to reassure her. "don't worry, lola, ariel is visiting soon." it hurt me to know that you're not. i know that as long as your sister is there, you're not going to visit. through the years it has become sort of a habit to lie for you, but this time it broke my heart.

i told you i danced in your kitchen. i couldn't help it. i always related music to your family and when we were there, music filled the air. clyde and tita joy and i laughed so much. there was something missing, however -- you.

i know you miss them too. you told me so. then again, why don't you do something more than miss them? why don't you haul your ass off to las pinas? since we're at it already, why don't you stretch a little further and make peace with tita joy? your mama would love that. i would too.

i told you yesterday i missed the old you. i do. i miss the happy ariel i used to know. the years have made you hard and cynical. i know i am one of the very few people you trust, and i do understand what you're going through right now. but the world will not stop turning just because life is not so kind to you right now.

ariel, please open your heart once more to your family before it becomes too late. that's all i'll ever ask of you right now.

am i in love?

2009-09-21T16:45:00.006+09:00

lately, my friends have been asking me this question. my colleagues in the office teasingly remark about the sparkle in my eyes, the bright smile on my lips and the light gait i have lately adapted whenever i enter the room.

i know i dress up more properly now and i put on a little make-up, but i think what annoys them most goes beyond the physical. these days i am so easy to talk to. i don't complain anymore...not even if i am made to stay in the office long after everybody has gone home. i have become more forgiving of those who have done me wrong. in other words, i have become a better person.

am i in love?

i don't think so, but i am inspired. my career is shaping up. i have my good friends on my side. my family remains healthy. a huge block from the past has been lifted off my shoulder. the future looks promising. most of all, somebody is making me smile...like sunshiny smile!

i have always been career-driven. when i was young, i envisioned myself as a successful journalist. i wanted to be fielded in war zones, where the stories were more exciting. along the way, however, i was sidetracked. nevertheless, i am happy where i am now. i know that whatever path my career will take, i shall give it my best shot.

my family and friends have always been my pillar of strength. for all my inanity, they let me be. at this point, i think all their patience with me is paying off. i am a better person because they gave me more than enough space to play, dream, cry and laugh.

sure, somebody is making me happy right now. this is nothing new. in spite of my being single, there is always somebody who inspires me. the past few weeks have literally been filled with happiness, i am so scared it may not last. but instead of worrying, i have decided to savor every moment. so that when this ends -- if it ever does coz they usually do -- i have another bagful of beautiful memories i can recall over and over again.

am i in love?

i know i am happy that i am allowed to touch the roses, and that somebody is making sure they have no thorns. just yet.

weekend musings...

2009-09-19T10:48:00.003+09:00

How do you deal with roller-coaster emotions? When you feel happy and yet…you shouldn’t. How do you deal with strange sensations when you are reminded of something…or someone, for that matter?

Ahhh, i wonder...
******************************
How will I write when I do not know where to start? I have been staring at the computer screen for the longest time now and I can't seem to translate my thoughts into words properly. There's just so much to write about I can't seem to find the beginning...and the end seems so unclear.

I so hate it when I reach this point.
******************************
Will I rearrange my life if I could? Maybe. There are things in my past that still have the power to hurt me. Then again, these are the ones that harnessed my inner strength through the years.

Perhaps regrets have no space in my life.
******************************
Why am I happy? Well, the question really is: why do I find the need to rationalize my happiness? Why can't I just be? If I can only hold it and hug it, I think I'd be okay.

Then again, maybe I am scared that my happiness -- as it always has been -- will be too fleeting.

さよなら大好きな人

2009-09-19T10:34:00.003+09:00

Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Mada daisuki na hito まだ大好きな人

Kuyashii yo totemo くやしいよとても
Kanashii yo totemo 悲しいよとても
Mou kaette konai もうかえってこない
Soredemo watashi no daisuki na hito それでも私の大好きな人

Nani mo kamo wasurerarenai 何もかも忘れられない
Nani mo kamo suteru kirenai 何もかも捨てきれない
Konna jibun ga mijimete こんな自分がみじめで
Yowakute kawaisou de daikirai 弱くてかわいそうで大きらい

Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Zutto daisuki na hito ずっと大好きな人
Zutto zutto daisuki na hito ずっとずっと大好きな人

Nakanai yo ima wa 泣かないよ今は
Nakanai de ima wa 泣かないで今は
Kokoro hanareteiku 心はなれていく
Soredemo watashi no daisuki na hito それでも私の大好きな人

Saigo da to ii kikasete 最後だと言いきかせて
Saigo made ii kikasete 最後まで言いきかせて
Namida yo tomare 涙よ止まれ
Saigo ni egao o さいごに笑顔を
Oboete okutame 覚えておくため

Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Sayonara daisuki na hito さよなら大好きな人
Zutto daisuki na hito ずっと大好きな人
Zutto zutto daisuki na hito ずっとずっと大好きな人

Zutto zutto zutto daisuki na hito ずっとずっと大好きな人

working hard, missing somebody, loving the beach, etc...

2009-09-17T17:34:00.005+09:00

i miss somebody, is this my fault? enough said. people say i keep smiling to myself and staring into empty space. like a lovestruck teener. this is not flattering but i don't care. i am just happy...happy like i notice the sky is blue and the leaves are green....happy like i want to dance and twirl and swirl...happy like i need to run and feel the wind on my face...happy that i long to wish every one i meet a wonderful day! really, now, i haven't been this happy since...i can't remember when anymore.

****************
i am a hard-worker. i love working though sometimes i get agitated when there are so many deadlines to meet. i get bored when there's no work to be done. am i weird? i don't think so. it's just harder for me to pass time when there's nothing to do.

****************
i want to go to the beach. i want to swim. i want to smell the breeze coming from the sea. i want to feel the water lapping at my body. i need a vacation. now.

Stopping by the Woods One Snowy Evening

2009-09-16T16:19:00.006+09:00

by: Robert Frost

Whose woods these are I think I know.
His house is in the village though;
He will not see me stopping here
To watch his woods fill up with snow.

My little horse must think it queer
To stop without a farmhouse near
Between the woods and frozen lake
The darkest evening of the year.

He gives his harness bells a shake
To ask if there is some mistake.
The only other sound's the sweep
Of the easy wind and downy flake.

The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep.

***my recent favorite among robert frost's work

refrain by jose mari chan

2009-08-19T15:27:00.012+09:00

I look out and I see the rain
As it falls on my window pane
And the music that's in my heart
Is a sad refrain

Endless traffic of sounds and sights
Midst the glitter of neon lights
Still the music that's in my heart
Is the same sad refrain

Mem'ries of you follow everywhere I go
Down the high and bi-ways of my days
Music of your laughter fills my every dream
Like a love song from long ago

Never ending streams of faces come and go
Million diff'rent people all around
No use searching for I'll never find you there
For you are far beyond compare

Take a jet to a hide-away
From the hum-drum of everyday
Still the music that's in my heart
Is a sad refrain

you belong to me (from ally mcbeal)

2009-08-19T14:26:00.008+09:00

See the pyramids around the Nile
Watch the sunrise from a tropic isle
Just remember darling all the while
You belong to me

See the marketplace in old Angier
Send me photographs and souvenirs
Just remember when a dream appears
You belong to me

And I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember till you're home again
You belong to me

Oh I'll be so alone without you
Maybe you'll be lonesome too

Fly the ocean in a silver plane
See the jungle when it's wet with rain
Just remember till you're home again
You belong to me

***note: i like this song for no particular reason, but i love it more when it's used in the early episodes of ally mcbeal. i find ally mcbeal's "neurosis" funny, but i love that she has no pretensions about who and what she is.

jealousy

2009-08-19T14:12:00.011+09:00

it was one of those days when smoke wanted to creep out of your nose and ears and practically all the holes in your body. the pain was deeply rooted you wanted to start world war III. it was also the first time a rule was broken -- i just had to confront him.

so i hailed a taxi and stormed his apartment. to my dismay, his sister was there so i backed down and my claws retreated. "hi tita," i said rather too cheerfully.

"hey, what brought you here?" she was surprised to see me.

"oh, nothing. i was just bored at home. is ariel here?" i said, gritting my teeth. just the mere mention of his name sent my nerves into haywire.

"yup. i think he's upstair," she said. just then, ariel came rushing down. one look at me and he knew i meant business. he went back up and when he came down again, his had his towel with him already.

"nobody's using the bathroom? i'll take a shower," he boomed, then almost simultaneously he turned to me. "hi tippi!"

i smiled saccharinely.

when he got out of the bathroom, i announced. "tita, i am going home now."

ariel intercepted. "hey, you passing by the heart center?"

"yup."

"may i go with you? i need to see a friend there. i'll just change."

"sure."

and so i waited. while waiting i pretended to enjoy talking to his sister when i actually felt so restless it took effort to stay put.

"are you ready to go?" ariel asked after a few minutes.

"sure," i smiled at him again. i was preparing for war, only we were not on the proper battle ground so i restrained my attacks.

we got out of the house and hailed a taxi. the driver would have had us arrested for heavily banging the doors on both sides of the cab but before he could say anything, i already launched into my ill-prepared monologue.

"and what the hell were you thinking when you let that woman stay in your house for a week? a week! and you didn't even tell me? how dare you! how dare you! your sister told me that that woman even acted as if she lived there. do you know how it made me feel? are you really so insensitive you didn't even think about the repercussions of that decision? and if it weren't for your sister, i wouldn't even know. how dare you!" i was screaming at him. i wanted to cry but i couldn't. i was filled with fury.

he was quiet for a moment, then he sighed. "she didn't have a place to stay. she was locked out of her rented room by her landlord."

"you think i'd believe that?" i spat out.

"you know, pi, i am not forcing you to believe me. it's the truth," he explained calmly.

i glared at him but did not say anything more. i felt so tired. suddenly, i heard him ask the taxi driver to detour around the philippine heart center. i wondered what he was going to do but i was not ready to be pacified at that time so i kept quiet. when we were somewhere near sulo hotel, he asked the driver to stop. he paid our fare and grabbed my hand. we walked a few meters until we reached the back side of a crumbling building. then he looked at me.

"what?" i asked.

"this was her room. see? it's locked. so she begged me if she could stay with us for a while. i agreed because i knew she had nowhere to go. when i heard my sister telling you about her, i knew this would be your reaction so i sent her packing. are you satisfied now?" he bristled.

"no. it still doesn't erase the fact that you let her stay in your place and we both know she is attracted to you," i retorted. "i want to go home now. i am tired."

he brought me home and decided to stay. "she asked if we could have breakfast together tomorrow," he whispered right before i fell asleep.

"no," i muttered sleepily. "never."

looking back, that was the only time i went downright crazy. even if women flocked to ariel like bees to honey, i was not the jealous type. when we were together, he rarely gave me any reason to be.

why?

2009-08-18T11:52:00.002+09:00

why is it difficult for me to write when there's so much to write about?

why am i ambivalent about going to tokyo?

why do i find myself listening to love songs once again?

why do i have this tendency to rescue the men i used to love from their present problems?

why do i feel sad, sad, sad?

i wish i have the answers.

how?

2009-08-04T15:57:00.001+09:00

How can you say goodbye without inflicting pain? More importantly, how can you do it without hurting yourself?

How can you deal with regrets, especially if they are not yours? Do you smile? Do you shake the other person’s hand? Or do you just look into his eyes and share his pain silently?

A few days ago I finally put closure to a past that was left hanging over my head and inside my heart for the last decade and a half. I thought it was going to be easy – I have long been over him, I’ve had two boyfriends already since we went our separate ways, I have a career I cannot complain about. In other words, I’ve lived a good life. In fact, I was already confident I could face the music; dance to whatever beat. But like the proverbial sandcastles built on air, all the confidence I’ve painstakingly built over the years came crashing down on me the moment he uttered the words I’ve always longed to hear but didn't. And now it's too late.

The wound was so deep and when we unraveled it, I realized it did not properly heal. I was not that strong, after all.

What can I do? I just had to bravely bear it all with, again, a serene smile planted on my face.

you

2009-07-31T10:40:00.000+09:00

i am neither a poet nor a painter
but my heart speaks of flowers that may not bloom
how can a story end when it has not even begun
how long should you tarry; do you wish me gone?

fog

2009-07-30T17:09:00.009+09:00

it's been a while since i was this bored. i am near panic. this is a familiar feeling that normally sends me to an andrenalin-rushing adventure. this actually means misadventure. let's see, what have i been dealing with lately?

1. robert frost, elizabeth browning, pablo neruda, nina estrada-puyat, walt whitman...but mostly robert frost. i've read most of his poems and i have discovered some new favorites: meeting and passing, fire and ice, the lockless door and stopping by woods one snowy evening. when i was so much younger, i loved poetry. i grew up surrounded by it, thanks to my mother. but somewhere along the way, i shut my door to it. i feel that i have to dig very, very deep in order to bring out the emotional wounds that need healing. finally.

2. japan. do i need -- rather, want -- more of japan in my life? tokyo, especially, feels like my second home that whenever i want a change in atmosphere, tokyo is not the place to go. perhaps i am overly thinking about something that may not necessarily happen. whatever.

3. attraction. now, i have this perennial question: why do i attract "unavailable" men? arghhh!!! and, why oh why, do i need to exert effort not to get attracted to them in return? they should not be extra sweet, uber thoughtful, and they should not be able to run to me on a snap of a finger!!!!

fog...fog...fog in my brain. i need more exciting diversions!!!

The Rain and I

2009-06-26T09:44:00.001+09:00

I am in the office. It’s raining hard outside and all I want to do is to snuggle under a comforter while the aircon is turned full blast. It is one of my peculiarities, really, that when I hear the pitter-pat of rain on the roof, I find this urge to turn on the aircon.

When I was living in Tokyo, and I never had to worry about electric bill, I did this a lot to the amusement of my roommate, Barno. During rainy days, we would find ourselves under our futon late into the morning. We would pretend to be sleeping even if we both knew we’re already wide awake. We had separate rooms but because our walls were made of paper, we could hear each other’s movements. Normally, I’d wake up earlier than she would because I loved doing our breakfast, but during rainy days we’d stretch our lazy time till our stomach grumbled. Barno and I would then spend the day cooking and eating. Since we lived quite far from our usual shopping areas, we’d just browse around Seiyu, our local supermarket. Then we’d bring home lots of food: different kinds of cheeses, fish, pork, chicken, fruits (which we never really ran out of), vegetables, eggs, potato chips, tofu and a lot more others. We’d hibernate in the house for days doing nothing but cook, eat, listen to music (she discovered Martin Nievera and I liked Sevara Nazarkhan) and watch TV. Barno was an excellent cook and she introduced me to a lot of Uzbek food. I, in turn, learned how to whip up several Filipino dishes, which she would gobble up – with certain twists -- in seconds. I initially thought that I stayed indoors during these times because I hated rainy days.

I distinctly remember walking under the rain in Tokyo with my Indonesian friend, Auqie, who told me he found rainy days romantic. I cannot forget that incident because I thought for a man to like rainy days, it must be something. Because I lacked the courage to ask him why, I turned to other friends who gave several reasons why they liked rainy days: weather is cool, the sound of dripping water is soothing to the nerves, there’s an excuse to hug, and – this made me laugh – it’s cute to see a couple cuddling under one umbrella.

I told Auqie that I didn’t particularly like rain, not in Metro Manila anyway where I have to dodge unscrupulous drivers who find fun in splashing pedestrians with filthy water and I am forced to tiptoe around dirty puddles to get to my destination. Today, I still don’t like rainy days, but only when I am in Metro Manila. Otherwise, I know I am fine with it.

Take this case. Last week I was holed up at the Fontana Resort in Clark Air Base. It was raining so hard I should have been disappointed that I was not able to visit the duty free shops right away, but I was not. Instead, I set the aircon to its lowest temperature, got a really good book and read while burrowing myself under a thick blanket. It was heavenly. I could do that for one whole week – with milk and cookies, to boot -- without getting bored. It reinforced my belief that I have already started a love affair with the rain.

Now I would like to tell Auqie how right he was when he insisted that rain is romantic. The serenity it brings does something to my senses and I am even writing about it now. (June 24, 2009)

the banana slips

2009-02-16T16:30:00.003+09:00

You reach the landing panting from climbing 3-storeys worth of stairs. You insert the key in the keyhole of the main door then realize that the lock has changed. You are not informed about this sudden change in the office rules.

You sit down and wait for the others who are as amaze as you are that this is happening. You all wait and curse. The clock says it’s already 8am. You have been there for nearly two hours already, listening as the seconds turn into minutes…and minutes into hours. You and the others wickedly device ways and means to get back at the one whose bright ideas this is.

Then lo and behold! She arrives. You fall silent. The others, too. She smiles as if nothing is wrong. She mumbles something indistinguishable. You want to scream. You stare instead.

She opens the door and sashays her way into the room, feeling like a queen. You think she looks like a pig ready to be butchered. You smile. Nothing beats knowing you can restrain yourself from doing something nasty. Maybe some other time… You think everybody has his time.

After all, the day is just about to start…

when things get too hot to handle...

2009-02-16T15:50:00.000+09:00

Thinking positive thoughts may take too much effort when one is surrounded by so much negative things. I know I am not the goody-goody person others pretend to be but I really do try to think as many positive thoughts as I can.

Then again in this dog-eats-dog world, survival of the fittest is the name of the game. When I was younger, I didn’t mind roughing it out with anybody who gets in my way. But as the years go by, I realized I’d rather channel my energy to things that would make me laugh. In other words, I learned to coast along the way.

At times when I want to end somebody’s life (I am not suicidal, bear this in mind), I train myself to look at the ceiling and breathe deeply. I then count from one to ten before I try to smile (even if there’s nothing to smile about). The art of self-control is something I have learned late in life but it does not mean that I do not practice it often. In fact, I practice it every single day, considering.

The reason why this piece of writing is actually coming out is because I am soooo pissed off. To my mind, you have no right to demand too high from somebody if you do not give any kind of support. That said, I want to go home already and read a book. I’ll be more productive and less murderous then.

the wanderer

2009-02-10T16:09:00.005+09:00

if there is one thing ariel taught me, it is to embrace the unknown unconditionally. the weirdest thing is, i have never felt happier in life than when i am exploring the roads less traveled. sure, ariel taught me the joys of adventure, but i can only credit myself for perfecting its art.

while ariel has kind of settled down after getting married, i continue to bask in the thrill of discovering unchartered territories. sometimes it makes me wonder where this will get me. but heck, this is what makes the journey exciting.

i am writing this because right now i am on the verge of wanting another leap of faith. if i can only draw how i feel, it would be so much liberating. but i cannot even describe exactly my desperate longing to do something out of the ordinary. i only know that i want to do it so badly i can taste it.

perhaps batanes can quench this thirst, after all.

a walk down memory lane

2008-05-07T09:44:00.001+09:00

It was not a welcome sign. Nearly a decade since we last saw each other, the “pull” was still evident. Who would have thought that this would be the case? Apparently, the years did not blunt the attraction that drew us together in the first place. Suddenly, Barry Manilow’s “Even Now” started reverberating in my ears, and I was once again lost.

Ours is a story of a big adventure.

Suffice it to say that while my relationship with the first boyfriend was as smooth-sailing as a gondola ride, my journey with this one was as turbulent as whitewater rafting. After all, he nurtured my daring side. What the first boyfriend failed to break, he was successful in doing so: my rigid self-discipline. For nearly four years, he encouraged me to fly with the wind, to smell the air, to laugh heartily, and to just simply be. With him, I learned to ignore social rules. He taught me that happiness does not come in a box. We were young and we craved for adventure. We would visit places we’ve never been to before. Because of him, I developed a love for the unknown. We were reckless. We were having fun. We were happy. Looking back, he showed me happiness so deep and real that even a dot of pain would instantly be glaring.

More than anything else, I so admired his brain. He was intelligent in a way that the four walls of the classroom cannot mold. There were times when we had no money so we would content ourselves just reading newspapers from cover to cover. He was fond of reciting poems and it was from him that I first got a glimpse of Beowulf. He would tell jokes and we would laugh like hyenas. Oh how we laughed!

But even then, I knew the adventure was somehow going to end. Early on, I thought I had already mastered the art of letting go, but I was wrong. Understand that he and I parted the soap-operaish way. He just sort of disappeared. Although technically he could not disappear because we run around the same circle of people, we both understood that it was time to let go. We were forced to drift apart. And though there were no tearful goodbyes, the hole he left in my heart was so huge it took years before I finally healed.

Indeed, his influence in the way I lived and breathed was so overwhelming that when I was studying in Japan, my daily prayer included asking God not to let us bump into each other there. I knew he visited Japan every now and then, but I often failed to remember that Japan is a big country. One of the scariest thought I harbored then was accidentally meeting him in one of Tokyo’s busiest train stations.

Of course, my reaction to him or anything connected with him is always, to say the least, hysterically exaggerated. This is because my experiences taught me that between the two of us, there was no half-way or in-betweens. We would often go for the kill. We learned to temper this as we journeyed along, for fear of negative repercussions. In fact, we mastered the skill of civilized but impersonal conversations in public.

You see, several times since we parted ways we would still bump into each other, usually in big gatherings. It was during these times when conducting small talk became a tedious chore. Yet, we HAD to talk, otherwise people would. We were known to be extraordinarily close to each other that public displays of affection like holding hands and hugging were not considered unusual by those who knew us. Acting differently then would have started tongues wagging. We did not want that to happen.

Then, lo and behold, in one of those big parties the family held early this year, we met again. I knew instantly the moment he stepped within my boundary. I felt it. When my friend whispered about a man who was staring at me, I just knew it was him. As much as I refused to turn around to face him, I had no other choice but to force myself to come face to face with him.

“Hey,” I hoped a smile was plastered on my face for everyone to see.

“Hi,” he smiled back. Then the farce began. He took his lunch as far away from my table as possible. The rule was and will always be: the less interaction, the better for us to act normally.

Soon enough, people started leaving the party and we were left with relatives and few close friends. I was talking to his sister when I felt that it was time for the inevitable to happen. At that point, he was already prepared, and so was I.

“Hey, come over here and join us,” I called out to him. He excused himself from his group and joined his sister and I. To break what seemed to me as stiff atmosphere, I blurted, “How are you na? I missed you.”

“Oo nga. When was the last time ba that we saw each other? How long ago was it na? How are you? When are you going back to Manila?” the volley of questions between us left his sister out of the equation. Perhaps she was keenly observing us. Around the ever-discerning family, we would tread even more carefully.

Late into the night, when his sister beckoned that they already had to go home, I desperately hoped he would ask to be left behind. He did. He tried to convince his sister that he could just hitch a ride on the way home. But his sister put her foot down so he relented.

Right before he had to cross the gate, we were given the chance to be alone together. “Number,” he said. Dense and tense as I was, I shot him a questioning look. “Number…cell phone number,” he muttered for the second time.

“Oh,” I said and quickly took my mobile out. He then recited his cell phone number and instructed me to call him right away so he could record mine. Such impulses are welcome if only for the fact that this would somehow be forgotten the moment we get out of each other’s periphery and on to the real world.

Suddenly, we found ourselves hugging each other. In a few precious seconds, we were just being ourselves minus the prying eyes of the public. I whispered, “thanks.” Then we let each other go.

That night, I could not sleep. As I tossed and turned, I realized that maybe I did love him at some point. Between the two of us, the word “love” was never spoken. But maybe we really did have something special, aside from the intense attraction we felt for each other. Then again, it’s not easy to admit. Doing so would only heighten the pain of the loss.

In this world where social norms still reign, insisting to be together would only raise a lot of issues. And although we were allowed by law to end up with each other, we never wanted to purposely hurt the people most precious to us – our family.

ano ba ini?

2007-08-28T19:06:00.000+09:00

hay naku, di ko alam kung anong nangyayari sa akin. mahal ko naman ang trabaho ko ngayon. pero...at ito ay malaking PERO...bakit ganito? lagi na lang napupunta sa akin ang mga bagay na di ko naman pinangarap.

actually, nagsimula ito nung ako ay kumuha ng kurso sa kolehiyo. nag-enrol ako sa mass comm kasi ayaw na ayaw ko ng math. i thought na kapag nag-mass comm ako, wala akong magiging math subject except math 1. hellooo...nung nasa 2nd year na ako, nalaman ko na required kong ipasa ang isang statistics subject! mass comm? may stat? haller!!!

"iha, communication research ang major mo. kailangan mo ng statistics para mag-research," sabi ng isa kong adviser. isip ko: puwede pa bang mag-shift??? papatayin na siguro ako ng tatay ko. in short, nagpatuloy ako...naka-gradweyt din.

ilang taon ang lumipas at ako'y nag-desisyong mag-aral ng master's. hanep! ang napasahan kong kurso ay international economics. ngyee...eh wala akong econ background. pero sige pa rin. bahala na si lord. syempre, cramming galore ako sa tokyo. sino si hecksher? ang kilala ko ay si stephen spielberg. anong WTO? ang alam ko VIVA. as usual, nakapasa ulit.

so bumalik na akong pinas. nagkataon na nag-enjoy ako sa international economics ko na mga subjects so naisip kong sana mabigyan ako ng trabahong related dito. syemps, mabait nga sa akin si lord kaya napunta ako sa trabaho ko ngayon. ang gusto ko lang naman, sa totoo lang, ay makapanood kung paano ginagawa ang negotiations sa geneva at maintindihan ang pagkakaiba ng pananaw ng mga developed sa developing countries.

pero, ano ka, heto at binigyan ako ng assignment sa opisina. i-compute ko daw lahat ng tariff lines ng mga export natin sa japan using the applied rate, gsp rate at jpepa rate. hanep, tsong, di ko nga maintindihan nung una kung ano ang applied tariff. mabuti na lang, matiyaga akong makinig sa mga lectures ng boss ko kahit medyo hirap akong makaintindi. narinig ko ang definitions ng applied at bound tariffs. o, di ba? sa totoo lang, marami akong natututunan dito. kaso hirap lang talaga ang utak ko. sabi nga nila, "the body is willing, but the mind is weak." hehehe...

ngayon, nag-break lang ako from computing those rates. ang tanong: makaka-survive kaya ako dito? sa presentation pa lang ni raul m. on the simulation ng sps, sumakit na ang ulo ko. paano pa kaya yung ibang topics? si bossing naman, supportive kaya nagpapasalamat ako. alam niyang marami pa akong kakaining bigas (not nfa rice) bago makahabol sa mga pinag-uusapan ng mga tao sa division ko. sheeet.....

bakit ganito ang buhay ko??? parang life!

the tragedy of war: vietnam in retrospect

2007-08-21T14:27:00.000+09:00

Imagine there's no heaven...It's easy if you try...No hell below us...Above us only sky...Imagine all the people...Living for today...

before i flew to saigon (now called ho chi mihn), i had a hazy idea of vietnam's painful past -- its foray into communism and how vietnamese resisted american occupation. credit many hollywood movies like oliver stone's platoon and heaven & earth for my limited knowledge of vietnamese history.

Imagine there're no countries...It isn't hard to do...Nothing to kill or die for...And no religion too...Imagine all the people...Living life in peace...

my visit to the vietnam war museum, in front of the hotel where we stayed for the duration of our visit, was therefore very shocking to me. pictures of children killed on sidewalks and mothers grieving for their massacred family affected me deeply. it did not help either that there were also pictures of the after effects of Agent Orange -- the nickname given to a herbicide used by the U.S. military its warfare program during the Vietnam War.

You may say I'm a dreamer...But I'm not the only one...I hope someday you'll join us...And the world will be as one...

in these pages, i have copied some of the pictures i saw in the museum, hoping that we shall all know the extent of destruction ANY war could bring.

Imagine no possessions...I wonder if you can...No need for greed or hunger...A brotherhood of man...Imagine all the people...Sharing all the world...

if only man can be less greedy, then we could lessen the sufferings in this world, there will be less orphans and grieving families.

You may say I'm a dreamer...But I'm not the only one...I hope someday you'll join us...And the world will live as one...

travails of an accidental "trader"

2007-07-19T11:04:00.000+09:00

With agriculture attaches, policy people
and our boss, USec. Fred Serrano
(extreme right)...

Had somebody told me that one day I would find myself promoting export products, I would have plunged into the sales arena early on. See, my grandmother often reminded me that “the early bird catches the worm.” I would have taken a business course in college, worked with a world-class pharmaceutical company, bought a house at 24 and a car by 26 so I could resign from my job and travel around the world in leisure at 40 – in that chronological order.

But hey, sales talk is not my forte. I even cringe every time I enter a store and sales people start hovering around to convince me to buy their products. So, no, I knew early on that I would never make a good sales person.

Taken all those into consideration, I cannot help but ask: Why the *&%# did I agree to be a trade desk officer (TDO) at the Department of Agriculture?

For fear of sounding too defensive, let me reiterate that I did not lobby for this post. I did not even know the responsibilities that went with it when it was first offered to me. The only thing that registered in my mind was: I will finally be working under the wing of Undersecretary Fred Serrano, the country’s chief negotiator for Agriculture at the WTO. Heck, long before i finished my master's thesis in tokyo, I was already dreaming of working with him. In fact, for nearly a year I devised ways and means to break through the thick bureaucratic wall to be able to talk to him. When all connections failed, I personally introduced myself to him. Talk about courage amid desperation. Unfortunately, even then, nothing happened.

Then the offer to be the TDO for Japan came. When I was told that my boss was going to be USec. Serrano, I knew I had to accept the post no matter what it entailed. I just hoped that being physically near the person would transmit some of his brain cells to my cranium.

The first few months in my new office were exciting. I met young people who eventually became friends, I got to interact with my boss as often as needed, I learned new things, I accepted more challenges – all these more than made up for the glitches I encountered here and there.

Being the OC that I have always suspected myself to be, I already had my intellectual map drawn out. I felt that being a trade desk officer was just a stepping stone to what I really wanted to achieve: to understand the power play between developed and developing countries, and to figure out the politics of WTO. Whoa! Lofty dreams, I know. My best friends could not even understand my sudden obsession with WTO (this is something that I should write about in another article).

My dream was crushed when one day I woke up to an instruction that instead of WTO, I would be dealing with export sales. Sales @%&*??????? Pardon the profanity, but why the heck would I exchange my first love (which is writing) for something that I have never even dreamed of doing in the first place?

It is bad enough that I was required to do sales, but it is even worse that there is a plan to uproot all desk officers from the Policy office. The only reason why I agreed to do this job is because I wanted to work with USec. Serrano. If this fair exchange won’t happen, then I have to make another drastic decision; something that will bring me back to square one.

a trip to nowhere...

2007-07-04T09:35:00.000+09:00

In Shenzhen...there were Greek columns...:))) Goes to show how good China is at imitations!

This is the urban jungle called Hongkong...with tall buildings seemingly sprouting from mountainsides....

This is beautiful Macau...with its exquisite Portuguese architecture and smiling people. I would love to visit again, if only for sight-seeing.

To Nanay with love

2007-05-21T14:16:00.000+09:00

I grew up being surrounded by strong women in my family. My mother was not an exception. The earliest vivid memory I have of my mother was her telling Tatay something like, “The problem with you is you are spoiling the children. You have to be firm with them once in a while.” You see, when my younger brother and I were growing up, Tatay was the ‘softer’ parent. He indulged us most.

I am not exaggerating when I say that Nanay was a formidable personality within the family. She knew what she wanted and stuck to it no matter what. She was far stricter than Tatay, so much so that we were more scared of her than anybody else. She was not one to raise a voice. I just knew that we were being naughty when she would keep too quiet for comfort.

Even years later, when Tatay learned to use the belt when we practiced the art of being hard-headed, we were still more afraid of Nanay’s silent treatment. Do not get me wrong, my brother and I were really a pain in the neck.

When I was eight, my brother and I fought over the last piece of iced candy in the freezer. We really quarreled over it that Nanay was forced to tell us to just break it in half so we could share. Being both stubborn, my brother and I refused to listen to her. True to Nanay’s form of discipline, she took the iced candy from us and threw it into the garbage bin. “Since you do not want to share, nobody will have it,” she said and walked away calmly, leaving my brother and I glaring at each other.

Another time, our househelp was extracting coconut meat by using a coconut grater stool, the one that is being typically used in the barrio. Perhaps fascinated by the deed, my then seven-year-old brother insisted on trying it. Nanay quietly said, “No, we’re pressed for time already, just sit at the back of the wooden stool.” But my brother was insistent. The next thing I knew, Nanay asked the househelp to give the other half of the coconut for my brother to finish, a task that he immediately found tedious. Nanay, unsmiling this time, told my brother, “You wanted to do, then do it. You cannot stand up from that stool until the last scrap of flesh is taken off the shell.” Crying and tired, with some blood on his little hands, my brother knew Nanay meant business. He finished the job, we had our lunch, but since then I have never seen my brother go near a coconut grater stool again.

Fast forward. In high school I realized that our relationship with Nanay was different from that of my friends with their mothers. In our family, there were less hugs and never have I experienced public display of affection. Sure, we were not neglected. There were always new clothes and books, and food abound the table. But whenever my brother or I achieved something academically, there was not much rejoicing at home. It was as if it was technically expected of us already. There were smiles and nods, yes, but nothing more. Instead of being displayed in prominent places like the usual practice in the provinces, our trophies and medals were kept in negligible nooks and crannies of the house.

Of course, we never questioned Nanay’s love for us. At the most trying times, she showed her support. During my high school graduation, when I defied my principal’s order to wear toga for graduation after clashing with her on so many issues, my mother stood by me. Indeed, it was unusual for her to attend our year-end academic exercises and stay till the very end. But at that time, she was there lending support to the ever-defiant me.

Ironically, my parents value academic excellence so much. This became a secret point of contention between us. My siblings and I grew up in an atmosphere where education is a non-negotiable endeavor. In fact, we practically grew up with a one parent alternately taking care of us because the other is out on a scholarship pursuing post graduate study. My early years were spent with my grandparents because both Tatay and Nanay were abroad pursuing individual scholarship grants. In effect, I felt that they were expecting us to follow in their footsteps.

One of the many forms of rebellion I devised was to swear off post-graduate study, something which I know disappointed my parents a lot. When I graduated from college, I told Nanay that I was through with school and I hated studying. Needless to say I swallowed my words because a decade since, I was on a pursuit of a master’s degree. Yet, I kept everything under wraps until a few days before I was to leave for Tokyo. I dread their telling me “We told you so.”

Nanay and I still don’t agree on many, many things, but our relationship has definitely improved. I remember arguing with her when I was 10 years old about the world’s over-population, and to this day it has never been resolved. Early on, we also debated on the origin of the species, with her taking up the religious side while I armed myself with Charles Darwin’s theory. Today, she finds me wanting in my Catholic upbringing, even declaring that she should have sent me to UST or La Salle to inculcate proper “values” instead of UP’s liberal attitude. I argue that I have always been more spiritual than ritualistic. She thinks I should be more settled now, I feel the need to roam and discover new places. Indeed, my headstrong countenance often brings us to the warpath but I can better understand her these days. She no longer questions all my decisions, calming me in return. My rebellious and fierce nature has retreated, resulting in our maternal truce.

For all these and more, I have learned that love can be expressed in various ways. My mother did that to us and without her knowing it, half of me has gradually become her. Indeed, the evolution continues.

at last!

2007-02-27T14:06:00.000+09:00

finally i got to sit down and write again. for the past few weeks, i had meetings left and right. all because i have a new job, something that has to do with trade and investment.

anyway, i just miss writing and since my laptop has been on its recent moodswings, i stopped using it altogether; at least until it goes back to its original temperament.

i miss going out my friends like gigi and connie. in between their jobs and mine, we could hardly squeeze in time to be together. the upside of this is that when we do meet, there are plenty of updates to tackle head on.

i am just happy that everything is going well with me. there are few glitches here and there but the over-all scenario is quite okay. i just want to travel abroad again -- and i may, to japan -- but we'll see first.

hopefully i get to post pictures here again. sooooooon!!!

busyyyyyyyyyyy...............

2006-08-31T08:12:00.000+09:00

i am so busy i could not even breathe!!! our office's 34th anniversary is fast approaching and i am loaded with work: two magazines to publish before the middle of next month...a video footage of former bosses...interviews left and right...meetings here and there.....waaaahhhhh.....I NEED A LIFE!

be blogging again soon. hopefully, sooner than i think.

Plain Housewifery

2006-07-01T20:34:00.000+09:00

How does being a plain housewife sound? Ten years ago – five years even – these two words, plain housewife, were as scary as a horror movie to me. Just thinking of staying at home made me feel…trapped.

I have always been ambitious. I wanted to be a successful lawyer, be a prolific writer, a good swimmer and a well-known politician…all the works that spelled c-a-r-e-e-r! Today, I may not be a lawyer (I still plan to study law) and a politician (I dread the dirt that goes with it), but I would like to believe that I am a writer and a swimmer. Put me on an island with only my computer (and food and water, of course) and I’ll be one happy woman. For me, nothing beats words and the beach!

I grew up being surrounded by strong women. I perfectly know that my mother is a solid professional who, at some points, chose career advancement over us kids. Not that I begrudge her of that; my younger brother and I were, after all, raised by our ever-doting grandparents. I have female cousins who are architects, engineers, lawyers…even construction workers (hahaha…sorry, Cons, I couldn’t help that!).

When we were children, the delineation between male and female cousins was obscured by the fact that we all climbed trees, fished, swam and raced towards some prize together. Indeed, my family has been gender sensitive longer that I can remember. In fact, I was told that when I was a toddler, my father hoped that I would become an astrophysicist – whatever that means. Had he dreamed of me becoming a perfect wife to a future husband, I would have started to work on the art early on.

But no, my family encouraged me to enter the university, work for a degree and graduate. My father even begged that I go to law school but I had to put my foot down on this. No astrophysics or statutes for me, sir. I’d rather write like my Uncle Ross did when he was alive.

And then, by the whiff of a strange wind, I suddenly long to be what I have never dreamed of: a housewife – a stay-at-home, hands-on housewife. My cousin, Connie, would probably think I caught some dreaded disease when she hears this. If there’s somebody in the family who has never considered marriage in her life, it’s me. I have always longed for adventure, to be out in this world to be free….or so the song goes.

I, myself, couldn’t believe this. But heck, I really, really am sure I want to settle down now. Errr…settling down sounds ominous, doesn’t it? Really now, I want to get married, have a family and raise beautiful, intelligent and God-fearing children. How’s that for a miracle? Gosh, I may have probably matured by leaps and bounds in the last few months.

My, it’s scary.

superman!!!

2006-06-29T23:44:00.000+09:00

i never thought i'd enjoy watching superman without christopher reeve. i was wrong. last night, i had a date with superman and i simply love him in the person of brendan routh.

gosh...i love his eyes. they reminded me of someone i know. truly, his eyes are so similar to those of this one special person in my life who will forever remain nameless but is instrumental in making me dream the kind of dreams i have today!!!

i told my friends that i will buy a dvd copy of the movie and i will. waaa...if only i could be lois lane for a day, then i will never mind the existence of many lex luthors in this universe! swear.

one goodbye, one hello

2006-06-27T01:58:00.000+09:00

as i said goodbye to a seven-year old relationship, i reopened my doors to old friends. two days ago, i met clarence again at his sister’s beautiful wedding in posh ayala alabang’s st. james the great chapel. it was a heartwarming reunion as we have never seen each other in a long time already. sure, we have been each other’s regular telephone callers, but seeing each other was entirely different from listening to each other’s voice.

i was actually late for the ceremony so i sat at the back. when i saw their family’s long-time helper, openg, i approached her while the newlyweds were having their pictures taken at the altar. then openg suddenly blurted, “hulaan mo kung sinong guwapo ang palapit.” (“guess, who’s this good-looking guy walking towards us.”) of course, it was clarence.

clarence and i actually go a long, long way back when we were just kindergarten pupils in the province. extremely attractive and intelligent, he was our school’s most qualified ambassador to manila’s san beda college where he spent his high school, college and law years.

today, clarence -- a certified playboy cum lawyer -- has been through life's highs and lows. i have witnessed his struggles as a young man trying to make a niche in this world because at some point in our life, we had been each other’s confidant.

in tokyo, he was my constant link to our province and to old friends back home. we would spend hours on the phone talking about practically everything under the sun. of course, there were times when circumstances would challenge the friendship but we generally sailed through our respective life happily and smoothly.

the beauty of saying goodbye is the prospect of saying hello again to new and old friends. clarence will always be special to me, just as aleli and connie -- my bestfriends -- are. in all honesty, i know that i am one of the very, very few people who can understand how he ticks. he welcomed me into his life and allowed me to take a peek into his mind and heart.

when his hand accidentally brushed mine, i felt some kind of familiarity…some sort of understanding that despite the years and the tears in between, we have remained truly good friends. it was a gesture that was borne out of being comfortable in each other’s presence.

in my super-symbolic life, i bequeathed to him part of my tokyo education by giving him the only sophia university teeshirt omiyage i ever bought – something which he really didn’t know. ultimately, it was a symbol of a reliable friendship that has survived the test of time.

Taking things for granted

2006-06-26T20:29:00.001+09:00

For the longest time, I do not think of Japan – the country that took care of me for more than two years. Just recently, however, I find myself longing for everything that is Japanese. I find this weird because when I was living in Tokyo, I took everything for granted.

I miss Barno – the Uzbek who stood by me through thick and thin. I know I could never have chosen a better roommate. I miss her sweet smile that reassured me everything was going to be alright. Heck, yesterday when my brother complained about feeling ill, I readily prepared the chicken soup that she taught me to cook. I suddenly found myself in tears. I never knew I would miss her this much. Younger than me by five years, she was nevertheless mature for her age. She taught me a lot of things – mostly positive ones. Of course, this is apart from the lessons on russian communism and genghis khan's reign over the asian peninsula that she would intermittently hold. I remember admiring her inner strength in the face of her personal problems. I also fondly recall how she would put make-up on my face; complaining even of my disinterest on things that a woman uses on her face. I miss her so much it’s painful. At this point when I am teetering between happiness and sadness, I miss her laughter and the way she would assure me that things would eventually turn out right. If only Uzbekistan is near….

I miss our apartment in Kodaira City. I miss the coziness of my room…the place that gave me solace and sanctuary in my stay in Tokyo. I remember spending most of my time reading tons of books and watching hundreds of movies inside my tatami room. I even miss watching those Japanese melodrama on television. Oh how I love the smell of my tatami floor! I miss my futon…I miss our huge kitchen. God, I miss even our automatic washing machine. When I was still living there, I would always look forward to going home from school. Our apartment always beckoned. It’s warm and cozy and simply beautiful…despite being peppered with stuff from Y100 shops.

I miss using my bicycle. In Tokyo, riding the bike is a way of life. It is a way of life that I so dearly miss. I did bring my bicycle to manila but since its arrival, it has been kept in my storage room upstairs. I haven’t been able to use it for fear of being side-swept by a motor vehicle with an unscrupulous driver. I vividly remember boring afternoons that would find me riding my bike around my peaceful and beautiful neighborhood. In a fit of adventurism, I would even bike for nearly three hours, leisurely spanning 20 kilometers in a day. I would do this especially during spring when the sweet and fresh smell of leaves and trees and flowers is permeating the air. Hmmm….I miss my biking days.

I miss salmon. A self-confessed seafood addict, the first thing that I missed when I came home is the cheap slices of salmon in Japan. My God, Yoshinoya there served the cheapest but yummiest salmon steak I have ever tasted in my life. I remember Barno would often request that I cook salmon and shrimp sinigang which she really craved a lot. I would usually indulge her during cold days when I needed something to warm me up inside. But Barno loved cold sinigang. Our perennial dispute was whether to reheat or refrigerate the soup of the sinigang. I loved it hot, she loved it cold. Oh…but those were the good ol’ days.

These really are just of the very few things I took for granted because they had become a way of life for two years. It is only now that I feel so far away from these beautiful things that I realize how special they had been. Then again, I know one day I’ll be able to experience them again.

Japan, I definitely will go back to your arms…if only to temporarily rekindle the embers that have been slightly diminished by time.

i am happy

2006-06-09T15:45:00.000+09:00

i don't want to sound sad or morose when i write this. but at this point i am on the verge of ending a relationship. it has been long overdue and i keep on stalling because i badly wanted the relationship to last, no matter what the cost. then again, circumstances have connived and i am on the brink of severing my ties with this man.

we have been together for seven years...seven long tumultuous years. i had been happy, i had been sad, i laughed, i cried....but now the time to end it has come. in so many ways i feel sad; endings always send me bawling over nothing, really.

but i am happy too. happy that i have finally found the courage to let go. i never thought it would be this easy. for seven years my life revolved around him. i am just thankful that god has blessed me with supportive friends.

i really am happier now. i wake up everyday SMILING and thanking god for all the gifts he has given me. literally. i have never been like this before and the joy that i feel inside keeps me from being bitter about everything. i only know that one day everything will fall into place.

i am happy now. for me, that's what matters most.

imeldific syndrome

2005-11-14T22:28:00.000+09:00

these were the sandals/shoes/slippers i bought from liliw, laguna. haidee accompanied me there and much to her dismay, i hoarded dozens of these attractive footwear. believe it or not, these only cost me around P1,500 or Y3,000. good buy, if i may say! now, my problem is scheduling the outfit i have to wear with them. hehehe...

at the homefront

2005-10-31T08:35:00.000+09:00

am back in manila...been busy with lotsa stuff: fixing the leaks in the faucet, throwing away old clothes and stuff, re-arranging my closet, etc. so i'll just come back for a longer blog....ciao!

jochi daigaku

2005-09-27T01:25:00.000+09:00

this signaled the end of a journey. after more than two years, i finally received my master's diploma in comparative culture, major in international economics and development studies from tokyo's sophia university. with me in this picture is my adviser -- professor john clammer, the person who patiently guided me through the academic jungle i found myself transported to.

my life's passion

2005-09-22T06:52:00.000+09:00

i haven't been writing lately. really writing. i have been experiencing another long "writer's block" but i did not notice it until i watched ricky lee's (a multi-awarded scriptwriter in the philippines) interview on "PIPOL." he talked about his traumatic months in prison during the martial law years. at the end of the interview he said that he did not regret the path he chose in life because it made him what he is today. he further advised all budding writers to go out on the streets because only then will they be able to really write. it's his colorful experiences that make a writer, or so lee said.

if i base my recent existence to lee's comments, it is no wonder then that i have sort of stopped writing. i have not really faced anything worth writing about. my life has been relatively smooth-sailing that i have been lulled into some kind of apathy.

while i had been a prolific writer, now i usually turn up with short and oftentimes passion-lacking pieces. too much of the good life, don't you think so?

nah, i am going back to manila soon. i am looking forward to experiencing real life again. my two-year vacation in the land of the rising sun is coming to an end, and hopefully i'll find the heart and zeal to write again.

ueno zoo

2005-09-20T08:11:00.000+09:00

after more than two years, i was finally able to visit ueno zoo. it's actually one of the tourist spots in central tokyo and even my friends from other prefectures have already been there. the ever-apathetic ?tokyoite? in moi kept on dilly-dallying for the usual reason that ?it's just there.? well...until i realized i was already going home and i haven't even checked on it. so, finally, a month before i would board the JAL that would fly me to manila, i took time to say hello to several of my distant relatives. :)))

a room with a view

2005-09-20T07:57:00.000+09:00

this was taken from my hotel room one early morning. this is part of the tokyo metropolitan government office located in the heart of shinjuku. i could not take a picture of the whole building as my room is just on the 5th floor.

shinjuku washington hotel

2005-09-09T17:01:00.000+09:00

argghhh...hotel life is a bore: no kitchen, hard-to-connect-internet, box-like room, chissai fridge...I WANT TO GO HOME NOW!!! if i am not been able to update my blog regularly, it's because it's hard to access the internet here. and to think that i am now living in a hotel in the heart of shinjuku!

it's just moi!

2005-08-27T20:28:00.000+09:00

the past few months seemed to have been dragging on and on and on....you got the picture: i am plain bored.

since i finished writing my thesis in april, i've been feeling a little less comfortable with the thought that my departure date from tokyo will still be in late september. it's not that i don't like being in japan anymore. it's just that boredom is slowly killing me little by little. i feel so unproductive...and that is after baking almost all kinds of cookies i know ( a little exaggerated, yeah...), learning how to cook not just for breakfast but for lunch and dinner as well, going around tokyo's suburbs and biking around kodaira city's small crevices. man, i still am bored.

most of the time i fight this off by scaring myself of what my life will be again in manila: the pollution, the pickpockets, the terrorists, the garbage, the GOVERNMENT, the economic crises. but, heck, it does not really work for me now. all i can think of are jollibee, max's fried chicken, sm, rockwell, tutuban, glorietta, boracay, cebu, bohol.....waaaaaa. i want to go home now.

i know...i know that i won't like what i'll see when i finally land at NAIA but my heart is really in the philippines -- the government be damned! i am counting the weeks, the days, even the hours when i will board JAL to finally fly home.

then again, i will miss my apartment. it has always been a warm haven in my two-year stay in tokyo. nah...i know i can't have my cake and eat it too. :(

disneyland

2005-08-23T13:29:00.000+09:00

disneyland...for the third time. gosh...i must be really a kid at heart because i can't get enough of mickey mouse and his ilk. i always love watching the parade, with all those characters that have been familiar since my childhood parading before me.

needless to say, disneyland reminds me of my childhood books.

sun and moon

2005-08-23T10:27:00.000+09:00

sun and moon...day and night...light and dark.......

hakone in summer

2005-08-16T13:54:00.000+09:00

this was the realization of a promise made more than two years ago. by adit (the guy in sleeveless shirt), my indonesian friend. of course, before he made true of his promise he went around europe and australia first. ;) but hakone has always beckoned, so in spite of the unpredictable weather that was threatening to grow from bad to worse that day, we pushed through with the plan.

i had fun in hakone. it's a beautiful place up in the mountain. methinks i was a mountain girl in my previous life because i really love nature. sure, i love beaches more, but up in the mountain, i always find inner peace.

jerry (in red shirt), mei (the only other girl), mike (in striped shirt), adit and i had fun in hakone. the highlight, of course, was taking the 'romance car' on our way back to shinjuku. that was really FUN!!!

grand vacation in kuruizawa, nagano prefecture

2005-08-09T21:00:00.000+09:00

this is the one-hectare property of shimoyama-sensei's parents. it's a beautiful place in the mountain. i almost missed experiencing this until sensei called to invite me to go with her to nagano. i asked her if i can bring one friend with me and she said yes. to make the long story short, jessa -- another jds fellow from the philippines -- went with me. it was so much fun! while tokyo was sizzling hot, the tempreture in the mountain was very, very cool....

the top photos were taken inside the rest house of sensei's family, while the lower ones were taken around the area of asama-san where we were brought by yuko-san (sensei's ultra elegant older sister) to watch the active volcano.

one of the oishii dinners we had in kuruizawa...takusan tabemono arimasu ne! if there's one thing that thrilled jessa and me to death was the food they prepared for us in the three days we were there.

yuko-san taught us to make things out of clay...muzukashi desu ne! this was one of the reasons why we were so excited to visit sensei's rest house. her sister makes beautiful pottery and ceramic stuff...we wanted to try too.

our last day in nagano...haji-san (sensei's brother-in-law), yuko-san, sensei, jessa, me and rudy...

goodbye part II

2005-08-04T21:50:00.000+09:00

this time, goodbye was funnier...and all because of avic and jessa who made everything lighter. seeing joy and joanne off reminded me of one imminent truth: i'll be going home soon too. i don't know how i feel. everything is still hazy. maybe when i transfer to washington hotel, it will finally dawn on me that i'll be saying goodbye to tokyo in two months time.

guess, life is like that. you move...and you must move forward.

what now?

2005-08-02T21:46:00.000+09:00

after the oral defense for my master's thesis, i was suddenly faced with this huge problem: what now? it's really a problem since i don't particularly like being bored. i've packed practically all my stuff already so there's nothing to pack anymore. somebody will be taking over our apartment so there's no need to dispose of appliances and furnitures. all my books are inside the boxes already so there's nothing to read. of course, my bike is still out but in this hot and humid weather, i'll be super-desperate to go biking when the sun is out. and since my bike does not have a lamp, i can't use it at night!

arghhhhh!!!!!

tomorrow, i promise i'll do the one thing i've been postponing for a long time already. i will ride the train to the opposite direction of where i usually go. i'll check what is there. it may take me more or less 30 minutes by local train to go to hon kawagoe. then again, desperate times call for desperate measures.

i am really bored.

Barno's birthday

2005-07-23T13:10:00.000+09:00

these pictures were taken july 20, my roommate's birthday. aside from the two of us, mei (our indonesian friend) came to join us. the cake barno is holding was given by mei.

Pao

2005-07-23T12:57:00.000+09:00

another one of those days when there's nothing to do and whipping up something edible in the kitchen was a better alternative to staring into empty space. :)

many call it pao. in the philippines, we call it sio-pao. it's actually a steamed bun filled with meat. this has always been one of my favorite snacks back home, especially the one with asado filling. verdict: not so difficult to make, except that i have yet to perfect making the dough which barno here did for me.

at last...

2005-07-15T09:58:00.000+09:00

after nearly 24 months of promising to visit japan, my former boss -- atty. anthony abad -- finally set foot on the land of the rising sun. and boy! did he love shopping <--just kidding! he actually flew to nagoya for a business meeting, took the shinkansen to kyoto for some sight-seeing before finally coming to tokyo to...uhmm...ahhh...ermmm...check the supa in shinjuku. yes, man, supa!!! he wanted to know what the japanese people are eating, drinking, etc. methinks he's planning to do some trading here. :))

he was actually largely instrumental in my coming to japan. had it not been for his prodding, i would never have come. before i left manila in july 2003, Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo's erstwhile favorite whipping boy promised to visit me in february 2004. when that did not push through, he told me he'd come in october 2004. that too did not materialize. so when i got a message from him telling me he'd finally be coming this month, i took it with a grain of salt. but he did come -- amid the political chaos back in manila.

he may be back soon, he said. this time, though, i am no longer holding my breath. :))

Que Sera, Sera

2005-07-09T21:53:00.000+09:00

...not. i suppose the tempest that gloria macapagal-arroyo has experienced the past few weeks had already climaxed last night. it was not exactly the climax that the opposition had envisioned, nor one that pro-administration officials feared...but hopefully it was enough to wake gma up from her stupor.

i have been very vocal about my cynicism towards the arroyo government but i also do not like the way her detractors are handling things. mounting another 'people power' is not the solution to the problem. in fact, that should be the last resort to this.

i am tired of mobs. i am tired of destabilizers. i just cannot understand why the opposition cannot unite and draw a plausible alternative that would prod the country forward. calling for gma's resignation is not enough. the opposition should be able to offer the people a better and more stable alternative. need i wonder why, in spite of the chaos, i have not seen people going out to protest in edsa? i guess, like me, they are also skeptical as to where these events are heading.

noli de castro for president is a hard pill to swallow but we have no other constitutional choice; we elected him into office, didn't we? it's to his credit that noli has not taken advantage of the gulo to grab the presidential seal. he has stayed loyal to his president, at least publicly. the succeeding days may yet validate this observation though.

when i called connie, she voiced out her disappointment with chit escudero, the spokesperson for the opposition. he's been playing safe too, she said. too bad...he was my crush. gosh, if young politicians like chit, mike defensor, and gilbert remulla, among others, only know what they are doing, then the philippines will probably have a better chance at survival. as it is...they too seem lost in the chaotic interplay of political machinery.

soon i'll be heading home to a country poised in a critical balancing act of survival and destruction. it's not an attractive homecoming, after all.

JDS fellows from the Philippines

2005-07-07T21:01:00.000+09:00

i have never experienced a joyful goodbye. it has always been met with a heavy heart. today, five of my friends left for manila after completing their master's degree in japan. i sure will miss all of them. mabuhay to the members of the first batch of jds fellows from the philippines!!!

drop biscuits (daw!)

2005-06-26T22:08:00.000+09:00

another surprise this afternoon!!! was supposed to be baking drop biscuits very similar to Texas Chicken's (remember, guys, the bread dripped with honey or jam???). the end result was not so different from pan de sal. harharhar....funny, but it was a nice surprise. this was a very easy recipe and i plan to put something inside the bun next time...maybe pork asado or tuna and cheese? whatever!

spanish bread...err..cake :))

2005-06-26T22:04:00.000+09:00

i don't know how this cake-like concoction was named 'spanish bread' in the recipe. i thought i was going to bake something similar to the philippine good ol' spanish bread that we usually buy from our neighboring bakeries. hehehe...

a great ball of fire

2005-06-25T16:15:00.000+09:00

this was taken from our apartment. actually, i saw the 'weird' color of the sky from my bedroom so i went out to the terrace to check. it was turning to dusk but before light gave way to darkness, i saw the sun looking like a menacing ball of fire!

glazed donuts

2005-06-25T16:05:00.000+09:00

barno is in iuj right now visiting bob. again, because of boredom, i was forced to rummage through our pantry. i found some cake mix and turned it into several donuts. don't ask me how they taste...i haven't tried yet.

sotanghon guisado

2005-06-25T15:58:00.000+09:00

since barno said she has not tried sotanghon cooked this way yet, i hastily looked for its recipe and voila! we had sotanghon for dinner...breakfast....lunch...dinner again....waaaaa......

obviously...not!

2005-06-22T12:17:00.000+09:00

it's mwah...when bored. our kitchen is my sanctuary when things seem to go from bad to worse. barno once commented that i get my culinary inspiration from boredom. maybe...maybe not. ;)

chicken burritos

2005-06-22T11:48:00.000+09:00

this was my first attempt to make burritos. sorry, the shredded cheese was not included in the picture. i made the tortilla from scratch and did not know how it would turn out. barno later raved about its taste. me? i thought the tortilla can be improved by softening it a bit. ;)))

recipe for tortilla:

4 cups flour
2 teaspoon salt
4 teaspoon baking powder
2 tablespoon shortening
1 1/4 cup water

***mix ingredients together, knead into dough, divide into 12 balls, let them rest for 10 minutes, roll the balls until they become thin and cook in an ungreased pan for about two minutes on each side.

recipe for salsa:

tomatoes
onion
mango
jalapeno pepper
chicken breast

***except for chicken, mince and mix everything together and chill. boil chicken breast and when done, shred it into small pieces. mix the chicken meat with the rest of the ingredients. serve the salsa on the tortilla, add in lettuce and shredded cheese, roll the tortilla into burritos...eat with gusto.

john lloyd cruz

2005-06-20T16:42:00.000+09:00

wala lang. cute lang sya...hahaha...;)

maruya

2005-06-20T16:32:00.000+09:00

one day i woke up wondering what to do with lots of over-ripe bananas. this was the result...and i suddenly remembered growing up in the province with my grandmother who used to make something like this. of course, her version was so much tastier. ;)

recipe:

overripe banana
flour
sugar
water
salt

***as usual, i don't measure exactly the proportion of the ingredients. i just go by "feeling." just mash the banana and add in the other ingedients. just make sure that the dough is solid enough to be rolled into balls. deep fry.

tenpura: shrimp and vegetable

2005-06-20T16:28:00.000+09:00

this is one japanese dish that barno taught me how to make. easy but totally yummy!!!

jds fellows having fun!

2005-06-20T16:24:00.000+09:00

sometimes you find friends from among strangers and you'll realize that you have never been this happy in a long, long while. these pictures were taken during the birthday of a filipino jds scholar (2nd batch) -- pey (the one in gray t-shirt). it was one fun-filled night when laughter was spontaneous and sincere. teka lang...bakit wala si woody sa pics???

i am a writer

2005-06-12T18:08:00.000+09:00

this morning i got to talk to my good friend and former editor, jay. we were talking about the magazine which has grown dear to our heart through the years. this magazine, which used to nurture my love for words, is being reformatted and jay will no longer be its editor. internal politics, you know. i feel a deep sense of loss because of this sad news. for nearly a decade jay and the others who worked hard to keep the magazine floating, were a family to me. in a flick of a finger, they are gone.

if there is one thing that i have always been thankful for, it's that i was given the rare chance to write for magazines with national circulation. i used to write for four magazines, then three, then two...until i finally found my niche in mr&ms.

mr&ms was a product of the political upheaval of the early '80s. it was first published to expose the rotting system of the marcos regime. gradually, as the atmosphere in the political arena changed, mr&ms also evolved into what it has become right before i left the country. while other weekly magazines dealt mainly with women's issues, mr&ms tried to cater to all sexes.

i don't know what i will do when i go back home this october. mr&ms will still be there, this time headed by another friend, but it's different already. once more, it has buckled to change; this time for economic reasons. still, i will always bring with me the good memories of being a part of that family.

i am a writer. i can say this with more confidence now, and all because of mr&ms.

terrified

2005-06-11T05:15:00.000+09:00

it's early in the morning and i was thinking about ghosts. one ghost in particular.

a few days ago, as i was looking at a friend's friendster album, i saw a picture of my former flame/partner/chuva/boytoy/boylet...whatever. i could have been wrong, you know. i could barely see his face in that throng of people (it was a group pix) and when i tried to decipher the shape of his hands/fingers (his self-declared asset...being a talented pianist), i couldn't. the picture was too small for details to be clear.

yet, i just knew it was him. i felt it. when blood started rushing from my toes to my head and i felt this sudden wozziness, i knew.

i am not about to start getting all serious and nostalgic here. it's just that i cannot believe that after nearly a decade, he still has this effect on me. granted that once in a while i still wonder what happened to him after he disappeared from my life...but that's all there is to it. sure, sometimes i secretly wish i'd bump into him here in tokyo. then again, after accidentally looking at his mere picture and feeling the way i did, i don't think it's a sound idea, after all.

it's scary to realize that you haven't shaken a ghost from the past out of your system yet. still, i won't force the issue as i don't know how to go about doing it. initially, i thought time will blur -- if not erase -- his mark on me, but as years went swiftly by, i was proven wrong. now, i know better. last week, it has never been more obvious.

i just have to wait...and pray. one day, everything will be calm. i hope.

my home

2005-06-09T21:31:00.000+09:00

this is the apartment in tokyo that barno and i called home for two years! if these walls can talk, they will only whisper of happy memories and animated laughter.

chicken with corn in mushroom sauce

2005-06-09T20:33:00.000+09:00

i do not know what to call this dish. it's basically made of slightly fried chicken meat which i mixed in sauteed garlic, onion, bell pepper, potato and corn. i poured in mushroom soup, sprinkled salt and lots of pepper, and then simmered it till its sauce became thick. as always, i served the dish hot!

what now?

2005-06-09T12:29:00.000+09:00

when my adviser told me that my thesis work was already okay, "except, perhaps, you should write at least two paragraphs about neo-liberalism to contextualize your study," i became ecstatic.

but the euphoria was short-lived. after writing the two paragraphs, what then? will i start rolling my eyes towards the ceiling again for lack of anything better to do? will i start gaining weight just so i will have an excuse to check my weighing scale every now and then? what? what? what?

i could try looking for a new job, you know. yeah, that would be more productive. but where do i start? nothing seemed so interesting. should i start with the adb? with the world bank? hah! lofty ambitions. but it's free to dream, right? i have always wanted to work with the united nations. maybe i could try there too? i don't know. it's not that i will be jobless when i go back home. but what if my needs will already be different? i am scared to be disappointed. what if when i go back i'll discover that i have changed and my office has not? that would be like stepping into an x-file episode. how will i fit in then? i still don't know the answer to this.

like i said, i am also thinking of engaging in a food business. i am not about to go full-blast and big time on this right away. i want to start small...and see if through hard work, it will prosper. i am eyeing the cookie business. probably, i'll start in school canteens or in offices. this project excites me a lot and i am even thinking of enroling at heny sison's baking class when i go home.

really now, i am like stranded on an islet...with nothing but my brain to keep me company. how i will be able to survive and how i will cope, i have yet to find out. :(

a moment of gratitude

2005-06-09T12:08:00.000+09:00

if there is one thing that reinforced my belief in GOD, it is the changing of the seasons -- something which became even more apparent to me when i came to japan. i have truly been blessed to experience winter with its pristine snow; spring -- my favorite season -- with its beautiful flowers and fresh air; summer with its hot days perfect for going to the beaches; and fall for its gold and red world. now that the time has come for me to prepare for going home, i pay homage to the beautiful country that has welcomed and nurtured me for two consecutive years, as if i were its own. thank you, japan...and most of all, thank you GOD for this beautiful gift!

sandwiches for breakfast

2005-06-09T11:22:00.000+09:00

last night, i found out that we have loaves and loaves of bread inside the fridge. since barno and i started eating rice, we seemed to have totally ignored them. i was supposed to make bread pudding out of the crumbs but i could not find the recipe i have in mind. to make the long story short, i decided to make tiny open sandwiches: tuna and cheese, butter and strawberry jam. for a change, i made deviled eggs too. we ended up gobbling all.

wala lang...

2005-06-06T08:45:00.000+09:00

http://www.manilastandardonline.com:8080/mnlastd/ContentLoader?page=jojoRobles_june06_2005

guess...

2005-06-02T20:34:00.000+09:00

zino zhah?!!! ;)

dinner ala uzbekistan

2005-06-02T20:24:00.000+09:00

tonight, barno cooked. this is actually a vegetable dish made of eggplant, tomato, garlic and other spices. as i was too lazy to do anything, i just watched her from the sidelines. when i asked what's the name of the dish, she said she does not know too. in uzbekistan, where she comes from, they simply call it fried eggplant topped with tomato sauce (obviously!) ;) delicious is the only word i can describe it with.

doll collection

2005-06-01T23:01:00.000+09:00

this is my joy in japan...collecting wooden dolls. since they're expensive when bought brand-new, i just visit flea markets to look for them. this hobby was actually inspired by my friend, joanne, who has her own collection too. ang cute naman kasing tingnan kung marami sila, di ba? my problem is how to transport them to the philippines. ang bigat kaya! never mind, maybe i'll just hand-carry them when i go home.

cookies II

2005-06-01T22:51:00.000+09:00

melt-in-your-mouth chocolate crinkles...wala na naman akong magawa the whole day. driven by this desire to put up a cookie business when i go back home, i've been trying to perfect the recipes of the cookies i love best. next in line: chocolate chip cookies and biscotti!!! yum, yum,yum...;)

cookies I

2005-05-30T17:39:00.000+09:00

this is my latest project: oatmeal raisin cookies. i just borrowed a recipe from the web but since there were many ingredients which were not available in our kitchen -- plus we don't have a 'real' oven -- i improvised a lot. the result? just okay but could be better. next time i'll do this, i'll also mix in nuts.

adobo ala tisha

2005-05-30T16:48:00.000+09:00

whether it's a filipino or a japanese version, it's still my favorite chicken-pork adobo. as i had ran out of soy sauce, i improvised and used indonesia's sweet soy sauce. still and all, masarap pa rin sya kahit medyo naiba sa usual recipe ko.

ingredients:

chicken breast (chopped to medium-sized cubes...kasi mas masarap kung maliliit para absorb agad ang sauce)
pork (ganun din ang size ng cut)
vinegar
soy sauce
garlic (crushed)
peppercorn
laurel leaves
salt to taste
cooking oil

in a deep pan, mix all ingredients except soy sauce and cooking oil. let the ingredients boil in medium fire. simmer. when most of the vinegar has already been absorbed by the meat, pour soy sauce. simmer. in a separate pan, heat cooking oil. scoop the meat from its sauce and fry. scoop back the fried meat in its original sauce. let the adobo simmer in very, very low fire.

**i can't give the exact measurement of the ingredients as everything is tantiyahan when i cook adobo. and importante for me is to let the meat absorb the vinegar first bago ilagay ang soy sauce. for me, adobo is all about vinegar, pampakulay lang ang soy sauce. the longer it simmers in a very low fire, the yummier this recipe gets. ako kasi mas gusto ko ang tuyong adobo; yung nagmamantika tapos nagdi-disintegate ang meat when you scoop it from the bowl. ;)

if this can fly...

2005-05-28T19:30:00.000+09:00

if you're bored and nothing much is happening around you, what will you do? me, i went biking around kodaira city, did some grocery-shopping and watched the latest episode of "ikaw ang lahat sa akin." when the sun was about to set, i felt the inevitable pangs of hunger. what was next? hehehe...we just had a tummy-filling dinner of chicken lollipops. i cooked. ;)

ingredients:

chicken wings
flour
dried basil
oregano
pepper
salt
egg

***scrape off the meat to one end to form a "lollipop." mix dry ingredients together. beat the egg. dredge the fleshy tip of each "lollipop" in the flour mixture, dip in eggs and then dredge again in flour. form a meat ball at the end of the bone. deep fry until golden brown. yummier to eat with sweet chili sauce.

pancakes galore

2005-05-28T16:47:00.000+09:00

i had this problem i've been trying to solve the past week. what will i do with the bag of flour that was sitting idly on our kitchen shelf? then i thought about making pancakes. my dilemma was, the last time i made pancakes from scratch was like a decade ago already. i surfed the web and found the easiest recipe i could probably whip up. the result? a batch of soft and creamy pancakes. i should have been happy with the result -- my flatmate was -- only, i remembered that my original recipe was fluffier and more cakey. anyway, this recipe was not so bad either. ;)

abandoned province...

2005-05-26T15:35:00.000+09:00

This is a letter written by Wens Jomao-as to the Philippine Daily Inquirer, published today, May 26. I chanced upon this page while I was bored and thinking of writing something about my childhood years in U.E.P., a university town in Northern Samar. I am posting this in my blog -- with proper acknowledgement, of course -- because Wens asked the same questions all of us, Nortehanons, have been perennially asking all these years.

EVERY TIME I read articles about provinces where tourist spots abound and are being developed, and the people are being praised to high heavens for their hospitality, it pains me so much. Why? Because the province of Northern Samar where I come from is not wanting of this virtue, and yet it is never given the limelight except when the New People’s Army stage an ambush, kill soldiers and policemen, and ransack a town in the province, carting away high-powered guns.
I’ve asked myself: Is our province so depressed and God-forsaken that not one tourist spot catches the attention of the concerned authorities?

We also have representatives and a governor. But why is Samar so neglected? Our province is not without a tourist spot that can be developed. We have places that can put our province in the ranks of provinces with beautiful tourist destinations like Bohol, Cebu, Palawan, Pangasinan and Aklan (Boracay), to mention a few.

Again, I ask: What are the priorities of our representatives and governor? Is it the welfare of the province or self-aggrandizement? Your guess is as good as mine.

Where did their pork barrel allocations go that, in the last 15 years, not even one farm-to-market road has been constructed? What really are their priorities in clinging to their positions?

Are Samareños happy with the present situation? Look how our public officials have neglected and abandoned Northern Samar. Before martial law, during the incumbency of the late Rep. Eladio T. Balite, the port of San Jose was converted into a national port of entry. This is now an abandoned port and the water is very shallow that not a single passenger ship can dock at the port.

During martial law, the Del Valle brothers were in command and control of Northern Samar, courtesy of Jose Roño. The younger Del Valle was appointed as governor and, later, ran for assemblyman. His elder brother ran for governor and won, but not a single project was constructed except the cementing of the streets of their town of San Jose.

After martial law, Raul Daza came back to claim his old position as representative, holding on to it for nine years without anything to show for it. While he was in Congress, Harlen Abayon served as governor (also nine long years). After their third terms, they switched positions: Daza is now the governor and Abayon is the representative.

After 15 long years of the Daza-Abayon tandem, Northern Samar is still not thriving but sinking deeper into the quagmire of misfortune brought about by sheer neglect and abandonment. Who’s to blame for this?

Puto recipe

2005-05-26T12:16:00.000+09:00

For those who love puto but can't seem to find time to do it, here's an easy recipe which proved to be useful and delicious. this helped me cope with my longing for anything filipino here in tokyo. easy to prepare, easy to cook. you can even experiment on toppings.

Ingredients:

2 cups all purpose flour
2 tablespoons baking powder
1 cup white sugar
1 cup evaporated milk
1 cup water
pinch of salt
cheese cut into strips

Mix all dry ingredients together, slowly add milk, mix till all ingredients are well blended. Add water gradually so it won't splatter. When thoroughly blended, pour into small plastic molders. Top with cheese strips. You can also add a slice of salted egg as topping if you want. Steam for 15-20 minutes. Eat with gusto!

***to check on how this puto looks like, look at the picture below. :)

2005-05-26T12:14:00.000+09:00

it is my dream that one day i'll open a small cafe. i've really learned to cook and here are some of the dishes i've learned to whip up. must be yummy as they were attacked before we remembered to take pictures of them. :)

question!

2005-05-25T20:00:00.000+09:00

hay buhay...ano kaya mangyayari sa akin pagbalik ko sa 'pinas? pati si gary napahiga tuloy sa putik.

anak ng jueting!

2005-05-24T17:40:00.000+09:00

after working briefly for jinggoy estrada eons ago, i cannot help but be cynical about the arroyo administration's stand against jueting.

first, jinggoy estrada -- then a first son and mayor of san juan, now senator -- was not exactly the epitome of a spotless gentleman, much less an ideal public servant. i was witness how his office was transformed into a veritable film production company, with numerous stuntmen and movie extras littering along the corridors of san juan's municipal building. too, there were the philipp (with double p at the end of his given name, i was reminded) salvadors, the bong revillas and the rudy fernandezs who would drop by everytime they felt like playing tong-its. and then, there was i, of course, silently waiting in one corner for further instructions on when to visit the set of estrada's movie. i would sometimes jerk from my stupor when i hear comments like "pare, masarap si ara mina" or "pare, nadale mo ba?" from my boss and his friends. naturally, my already cynical view about powerful but incompetent politicians was further reinforced by experiences like this.

how can i be sure that mikee arroyo -- a showbiz denizen as well -- will be any different? are there any indicators to show that he has not taken the same path as jinggoy? as of this writing, showbiz and political grapevine is not so reassuring.

second, working in one of the government's most controversial, yet politically vital, agencies has brought me closer to the seat of power -- close enough for me to get a good glimpse of what takes place after the curtain falls.

case # 1: one day i was asked to attend a meeting with a presidential adviser (whom i refuse to name here) to discuss a possible ad project for GMA. go i did. after several meetings in various cafes of posh hotels, we finally came up with a concept. marilou diaz-abaya was to direct the series of advertisement that will highlight government projects, in an effort to sell GMA to the masses. budget ran around seven figures, so each concerned government agency had to financially contribute to its fruition. to make the long story short, the project was launched and was quite successful in the sense that the ads came out so much different from your usual government adverts. unfortunately for GMA, her bit exposure there did nothing to endear her to the masses.

case # 2: my boss used to tell me that he was being harrassed by the people of the first gentleman. day and night, they would ask for favors that were detrimental to the agency. in the end, my boss paid dearly for his continuous refusal to give in. barely two years into his job, he was literally sacked. this happened even as malacanang announced that he resigned.

case # 3: during the last presidential elections, my agency contributed millions to GMA's campaign coffers; not in the form of cash, of course, but in the form of billboards along the north and south expressways. these billboards were so huge they put to shame kris aquino's along edsa.

my point is, how can this administration proclaim sincerity in eradicating graft and corruption, illegal gambling, even petty crimes, when it has not been honest right from the start? what about the worms that fill the bureaucracy? and i am not even talking about presidential relatives yet. can i really believe in a president whose main preoccupation right from the start has been to beautify herself?

you tell me.

para kay isko...

2005-05-23T11:26:00.000+09:00

Pitong bagay sa buhay na natutunan ko sa U.P
ni PROF. RYAN CAYABYAB (Commencement speech given on April 24 before the Class of 2005)

Maraming salamat po, magandang hapon po sa inyong lahat. UP President Emerlinda Roman, former presidents Jose Abueva and Noel Soriano, UP Diliman Chancellor Dr. Sergio Cao, the Board of Regents, U.P.faculty and administrative staff, co-professors from the College of Music, classmates from UP High 1970, fellow alumni, graduates, and friends: Malugod kong binabati kayong mga nagsisipagtapos ngayong taong 2005. Isang karangalan ang pagtayo ko dito upang maghatid ng isang talumpati para sa inyo.

Huwag kayong mag-alala, maiksi lamang ang aking sasabihin. Kinikilala kong ako ay isang mamamayan ng UP. Unang nasilayan ng aking mga mata ang sinag ng araw sa Area 1, UP Campus, sa may likuran ng Infirmary, kung saan din nanirahan sina Wilfrido Ma. Guerrero, si NVM Gonzales, si Jovita Fuentes, si Jose Maceda, at ang mga Lansang, mga Manalang, mga Daza, Cailao, Lesaca, Estrada at marami pang ibang mga pioneering faculty members ng UP Diliman.

Ang nanay ko ay nagturo sa UP College of Music. Apat kaming magkakapatid na lumaki sa sariwang hangin ng Area 1, nanghuhuli ng tutubi at kuliglig sa araw, kulisap naman sa gabi. Diyes ang Coca-cola, singko ang Cosmos. Minsan sa isa o makalawang linggo, may dumaraang truck ng DDT (Dichlorodiphenyltrichloroethane) na nag-bubuga ng makapal na usok pampatay ng lamok na nagdudulot ng malaria. Lahat ng bata sa Area 1, at sa buong campus ay sinasalubong itong truck, at kung kaya lang naming magsiawit ng Haleluya noon ay ginawa na namin dahil para kami lahat nasa ulap, nagtatakbuhan, hinahabol at nilalanghap ang maputi at mabangong usok ng DDT truck. Napakasaya namin. Walang nagsabi sa amin na hindi lamang lamok ang pinapatay ng DDT. Ngayong malalaki na kami at nagbibiruan ang aming egroup na Area 1, napagkasunduan namin na dahil sa DDT na yan, bawat isa sa amin ay may bahid ng kabaliwan, depende sa dami ng nalanghap na DDT.

Marami kaming laro noon sa Area 1 patintero, tumbang preso, siyato, lastiko, gagamba, luksong tinik, step-no, habulan, taguan, teks at holen, na sa palagay ko ay sasabihin ninyong napakalow-tech kumpara sa mga laro ninyo nung kayo'y mga bata. Meron kaming mga sikretong tawagan, sipol at huni. Ang dami kong nais ikuwento tungkol sa aking pagkabata ngunit mauubos ang ating oras. Nag-aral ako sa UP Elementary School at sa UP High School. Matagal na panahon ding diyes lamang ang bayad sa IKOT.

Saan pa ba ako magkokolehiyo kundi sa UP rin. Una akong pumasok bilang accounting major sa UP College of Business Administration. Sa kabutihang palad, nauntog ako at na-realize ko na ako ay hindi pala maalam sa pagbibilang ng pera. Tinanggap ako at lumipat sa UP College of Music bilang isang piano major. Nauntog na naman ako at natanto ko na ako ay nagpapanggap lamang na isang Cecil Licad. Mabuti naman at tinanggap ako ng Department of Composition and Theory. Sa maniwala kayo't hindi, tinapos ko itong kurso, Bachelor of Music Major in Composition suma suma-sampong taon bago ko nakuha ang aking diploma. Aba! Naniwala pa sila sa akin at kinuha akong guro. Dito ko nakilala ang isa kong estudiyanteng napakaganda na una kong naging barkada sa kainan at kantahan, nauwi rin sa simbahan. Halos dalawampung taon din ako nagturo sa UP College of Music.

Wala pang tatlong taon na ako ay nagbitiw bilang isang assistant professor; akala ko'y doon na ang katapusan ng aking koneksyon sa UP. Hindi pala, dahil ngayon ang aking panganay ay kasalukuyang isang university scholar sa College of Music.

Mababaw at maikling kasaysayan lamang ito. Gayon pa man, kasaysayan pa rin. Para sa akin, napakahalaga ng aking nakalipas at ito ay lagi kong babalik-balikan. Habang ako ay papalayo ng papalayo sa aking pinanggalingan, palalim nang palalim ang mga ugat na aking tinatanim, sinisiguro ko lamang na hindi ako maitutumba ng kahit ano mang malakas na bagyo o delubyo na sa buhay ko ay sasapit.

Ngayon, nakita n'yo kung bakit napaka-halaga ng UP sa aking buhay, sana ay maging sa inyo rin. Kahit hindi ninyo na nasisilayan ang oblation, at hindi na naririnig ang karilyon, nawa'y nasa puso at isipan lagi ang paaralang kumupkop at nagpalawak ng isip ng bawat isa sa inyo. Naituro na lahat ng maituturo sa inyo ng inyong mga guro. Alam naman natin na ang bawa't isa sa atin ay may natatanging angking galing. Walang halaga ito kung hindi ninyo gagamitin para sa ikabubuti at ikauunlad ng inyong komunidad, ng inyong pamilya at ng buong sambayanan.

Itanghal ninyo ang inyong pagiging Pilipino na nag-aral sa U.P. kahit saan kayo mapadpad. Meron lang akong dagdag na pabaon sa inyo para lalong di nyo malimutan, ang UP nating mahal. Ito ang pitong mga bagay-bagay tungkol sa buhay na natutunan ko sa U.P.:

1. Ang buhay ay parang IKOT jeep. Ang iyong patutunguhan ay siya ring iyong pinanggalingan.
2. U.P. lang ang may TOKI, sa buhay wala nito. Pero nasasaiyo na yon kung nais mong pabaligtad ang takbo ng buhay mo.

3. Sa IKOT, puede kang magkamali ng baba kahit ilang beses, sasakay ka lang uli. Sa buhay, kapag paikot-ikot ka na at laging mali pa rin ang iyong baba, naku, may sayad ka.

4. Sa U.P., lahat tayo magaling. Aminin nating lahat na tayo'y magagaling. Ang problema dun, lahat tayo magaling!

5. Kung sa U.P. ay sipsip ka na, siguradong paglabas mo, sipsip ka pa rin.

6. Sa U.P., tulad sa buhay, ang babae at ang lalake, at lahat ng nasa gitna, ay patas, walang pinagkaiba sa dunong, sa talino, sa pagmamalasakit, sa kalawakan ng isipan, sa pag-iibigan; at kahit na rin sa kabaliwan, sa kalokohan at sa katarantaduhan. At ang panghuli:

7. Sa U.P. tulad sa buhay, bawal ang overstaying.

Maraming salamat po! Mayroon pa akong isang huling pabaon, galing sa puso ko - para rin sa mga puso ninyo, ito ang napili kong paraan upang maisalarawan ang tema ngayong hapon: "Angking Galing Para sa Sambayanan". Ito ay isang awiting nilikha ko at ng aking kakaklase sa high school na nagtapos din ng kolehiyo sa U.P., aking musika sa titik ni Ome Candazo, sa tulong ng mga kaibigan ko sa San Miguel Master Chorale at San Miguel Philharmonic Orchestra na pawang mga alumni ng U.P.

Sa 'yo UP maraming salamat
Ikaw na aking tahanan
Mula sa aking pagkamulat
Hanggang sa aking huling hininga

Sa 'yo UP maraming salamat
Ang iyong mga aral ang aking gabay
Baon ko ito sa paglalakbay
Hanggang mapanaw ang buhay

Kami'y lumaki sa iyong pag- iingat
Natutong mag aral, natutong magsaya
Dulot mo ay init tuwing kami ay nagiginaw
Sa lahat ng panahon bigay mo'y pagasa

Sa 'yo UP maraming salamat
Ang iyong mga aral ang aking gabay
Baon ko ito sa paglalakbay
Hanggang mapanaw ang buhay

bro and i

2005-05-22T23:07:00.000+09:00

ditto and i -- we were clowning around in our apartment.

blogging and me

2005-05-22T22:43:00.000+09:00

i can't understand it. at times when i need to concentrate on doing 'serious' stuff in life, i go the other way to do the mundane. just as when i have to dive into life-changing matters, i find all the excuses in the world to procrastinate. i am a perfect study of contradictions, ain't i?

this blogging thing is my latest 'excuse' to dawdle. heck, i enjoy it so much that i keep on forgetting i still have a thesis to iron out. thanks to boris, i discovered the exciting world of collaging pictures. now there's more excuse to dilly-dally.

then again, life is too short to be taken for granted; that even amid all the chaos of thesis writing, i always find a way to brighten up my day. isn't this what life is all about anyway?

barno in focus

2005-05-22T22:11:00.000+09:00

my pretty flatmate's collage. folks, here's barno from uzbekistan!!! :))

best friends

2005-05-22T21:41:00.000+09:00

my bestfriends, connie and gigi. taken when we had dinner at gigi's house in makati last march. my brother, jippi, was with us.

2005-05-22T15:27:00.000+09:00

ditto and leah when we went to tagaytay last march...

incompetent practices...

2005-05-22T15:03:00.000+09:00

hay naku, inis na naman ako. actually, matagal ko nang kinaiinisan ito, medyo nawala lang sa isip ko when i went home. pero nag-come up ulit today. ganito kasi yun.

yung sister-in-law ko, si leah, nag-apply sa business world as proofreader. she took the exams and underwent interviews. isang araw, tinawagan sya ng BW to report kasi tanggap na daw sya. pagdating nya sa office, biglang sinabi ng isang taga-personnel na a few minutes ago (lang!), napansin daw nila na undergraduate pala si leah. (she took up comm arts sa u.p.l.b. but stopped going to school for a while for personal reasons...balik aral sya this sem.) pero since pumasa nga sya, binigyan sya ng caritas application form tsaka small bottles for the medical check up. umuwi na si leah. bigla na naman syang tinawagan na pag-uusapan pa daw yung case nya ng personnel department. fast forward, monday the following week, leah got a call from BW saying na di daw talaga sila nag-a-accept ng undergraduate. in other words, di pala siya puwede. sorry na lang.

the thing that pisses me off is not that leah was turned down. ang kinaiinis ko is tinawagan pa sya na pumasa sya at pinaasa, yun pala dahil lang sa pagiging incompetent ng personnel staff ng BW who may have overlooked that supposedly crucial information in her application form, di rin pala sya pupuwede.

i wrote the higher ups of BW but only the editor replied. sabi nya titingnan nya kung ano talaga nangyari. this was more than a month ago. kahapon, dahil nga wala akong magawa, i followed up the case. eto ang sagot sa akin:

Dear Ms. de la Rosa,

As I promised you, I looked into the matter, and discussed the same with our HR head, Mr. Anthony Cuaycong. And based on what I gathered, it was the head of the recruiting department, in this case, Editorial, who "rejected" the application of your friend. Personnel processes applications and, as far it is concerned, it doesn't matter whether or not the applicant has a college degree. As long as the applicant meets the set criteria and passes the required examinations. it will process such application and pass the same on to the department in need of new personnel. It is up to the head of the recruiting department to accept or reject such applicants.

If you need further details, please don't hesitate to get in touch with Mr. Cuaycong. He can be reached via e-mail at cuaycong@bworld.com.ph.

RONNIE ROMERO

yan ang sagot sa akin. hindi ko alam kung sino ang nagsisinungaling sa kanila ng personnel department but one thing i am sure of, the only reason they gave leah for not accpeting her was she's an undergraduate. hellooo...pinasa nya ang exams and interviews ano. sa inis ko, i replied like this:

dear mr. romero,

thank you so much for your quick reply. it was very much appreciated.

however, i would like to point out that there had to have been some mix up of information here between the editorial and personnel departments.

first of all, your personnel department DID call ms. leah amores and told her to report to your office because she was already accepted for the post she was applying for. second, does your personnel department make it a habit to give caritas application form and small bottles for medical check up to applicants who have not passed your qualifications? because ms. amores received those. i just think this is a weird and misleading practice. third, and for the record, somebody from BW called ms. amores up at home, right after she picked up the caritas form and the bottles, to tell her to just hold for a while because the personnel department suddenly found out that she was an undergraduate, after all. the caller promised ms. amores that she will call back the moment they resolve the case -- the latest of which, the caller said, was friday that week because the boss apparently was out on seminar or something. i know this kind of call did transpire because i was there with ms. amores when this happened. fourth, the same caller from BW did not contact ms. amores that friday as promised, but called her monday the following week to tell her that she was sorry but BW does not accept undergraduate applicants for any position, and that it never has or something to that effect. whether that caller was lying or just making an excuse is beyond us now.

mr. romero, i don't know what the personnel department has told you but i asked ms. amores to keep the caritas application form and the small bottles for evidence, in case nobody will believe her case.

as it is, i hope that this won't happen again and i do sincerely hope that those responsible for this mistake that caused my friend so much anguish and humiliation will get their just punishment. if mr. anthony cuaycong was not aware of ms. amores' case and has been told about it only now, then i think he has some fixing up to do in his department. i hope he finds time to check on his incompetent staff because this may happen over and over again if not corrected right away.

i know this is an unfair world, and it should not be further exacerbated by unjust practices especially from the world in which i used to proudly belong -- the media.

respectfully yours,
tisha pia de la rosa

hay naku, sabi nga ng editor ko sa mr&ms puwede daw silang i-demanda sa ginawa nilang yun ano! kakainis talaga.

summer hideaway

2005-05-22T09:02:00.000+09:00

another place i'd like to re-visit is sonia's garden in tagaytay city. this picture shows one of its unique resting places where one can watch the moon and the stars while lying down.

my beloved archipelago

2005-05-21T16:11:00.000+09:00

my job back home allowed me to travel around the philippines for free. being an editor of our corporate publication, i got to be invited to various places from luzon to mindanao. in retrospect, i have already covered all the 14 regions, with the mindanao regions topping my list of favorites.

let me start with luzon. a personal favorite is sagada for its hanging coffins and the sumaguing cave; not to mention its cool climate. from there, i want to go down to the warm beaches of la union where i spent some of the most memorable days of my life.

in the visayas, boracay will always be my "only one." its white powdery sand and pristine waters are simply incomparable. even now when people say that boracay has already lost its charm, there is still nothing like its white sand which remains cool to the skin, no matter what time of day. boracay is paradise -- bar none.

mindanao, my mindanao...i cannot forget the bright-colored clothes, the sweetest and most exotic of fruits and the people of mindanao. this is one island group i will never tire of visiting. zamboanga -- with its diverse and colorful culture -- comes to mind easily. lake sebu has also found a niche in my heart.

i love traveling. in the philippines, i've been to major cities -- cabanatuan, batangas, tacloban, cebu, iloilo, roxas, davao, and cagayan de oro, to name a few -- several times already. yet, the places i remember best are those that remain unaffected by their beauty and whose people are warm and welcoming.

if there are three more places i have always dreamed of visiting, they are -- in chronological order: batanes, tawi-tawi and bohol. in 2002, i almost had the chance of visiting batanes but political circumstances in the country prevented me from doing so. the same happened to my tawi-tawi trip. bohol has to be a personal sojourn, but it is another story to tell.

suffice it to say that the philippines is truly a blessed archipelago. i just hope to be able to hop into each one of those 7,100+ islands. perhaps this can wait till i go back from tokyo.

want to hitch??? :)))

chef moi!

2005-05-20T19:25:00.000+09:00

i did not know when exactly did i learn to cook. i only know that i became totally into it when i came to tokyo. i had to learn, otherwise i would have starved. i mean, i could not go on eating at KFC and McDo forever.

my first attempt at cooking was a disaster. it was the summer when i was 13 and our helper was on vacation. my father told me to cook rice for lunch. i did, i did...but my first try was like burnt congee. of course we had no rice cooker at that time and i knew that i was not cooking arroz caldo, so just watching my disastrous experiment was enough to bring me to tears. before my father arrived from work though, i buried my first experiment at the backyard and called one of our neighbors to help me cook another batch. to this day, my father does not know what lay buried behind our kitchen door. :)

during my home economics subject in high school, we were taught to bake sponge cake using a big cauldron. needless to say, i had to ask one of my friends to do mine for me and it turned out to be just perfect.

my brother, who was a genius in the kitchen...and in any other art he was involved in, used to shoo me away from the kitchen whenever he would bake. i had to follow, otherwise he would stop whatever it was that he was doing.

when i started living alone in manila, my daily sustenance came from jollibee, mcdonalds or wendy's. i would dabble in making pancakes or omelet but my self-confidence never extended to recipes with more than three ingredients.

i once made a romantic dinner for a special someone. i decorated my apartment with lots of candles and flowers. i had the perfect table setting, coupled with soothing music. the menu? it's wendy's salad for appetizer, rack's baby back ribs for the main dish, and red ribbon's yummy chocolate cake for dessert. hey, i had to get an 'A' for my effort too, plus i did cook rice in the rice cooker.

those traumatic cooking experiences did not deter me from experimenting in the kitchen. in tokyo most especially, i began to love tinkering with pots and pans. i started with several breakfast dishes, went on to try making snacks...until gradually i learned to cook the yummiest adobo in town (promise), a mean sinigang, the tastiest salmon lumpia ever, a mouth-watering tuna steak and lots of other gastronomic delights. i still haven't mentioned my soft scrambled eggs that melt in the mouth, have i?

ahhh...boy, practice does make it perfect!